TMI Tuesday: Daddy Kisses!

A few months ago, while trying to get our son to sound out a few new words, I would pick him up and ask, “Can you say, ‘Daddy, I love you’?” While the first couple of times that I did this there wasn’t much of a reaction and maybe only a few mumbles of a baby babble but, over time, this changed. One morning before sitting him at the table for breakfast, I posed the same question and got a response I wasn’t expecting. He didn’t say anything, rather he leaned over and gave daddy a big, and very wet, kiss on the lips.

This is not something that he had done but only a couple of times previously, before this he simply did not give daddy kisses. This became almost a daily routine for us as I would ask him the same question and our son giving me the same response. Frankly, I kept hoping for the words but was completely happy with the alternative. There were even some instances when, without me saying a word, he would walk over to me in the playroom just to give me a kiss.  

What came as a surprise shortly after this all started was that I didn’t even have to be present for our son to react this way. When driving home from the office one night I asked the question hoping that he may try to sound out the words but, instead, he took hold of the phone and gave it a big kiss and giggled. Again, this has also become part of our weekday routine.

However, a couple of weeks ago the kisses stopped. Our son no longer wants to give hugs and kisses as frequently as he once did. I guess the phase has passed. As we have been told many times over, enjoy the moments when they happen. While the in person affection has slowed, our son has maintained his phone response and continues to kiss and hug the phone when asked the simple question.

In place of the physical responses, now the words are becoming a much more prevalent part of our days with some clearer than others. We still working on the same question we were before, he is now making a more concerted effort to sound it out. While this was the original impetus for my query a few months back I now find myself missing those moments when my son would give me a big kiss as if to say “of course I love you daddy.”

A Welcomed Weekend

While we have a busy schedule this weekend we still have an opportunity to catch up on a few things. When we originally moved into our house we were able to get a pretty good handle on a few things but there have been a few places around our house that have been in need of our attention. The largest and most time consuming of which has been the organization and reorganization of our offices… they always seem to be the first things that are pushed down the list when something comes up.

Things have been so busy this summer that there hasn’t been much time on the weekends to spend as a family let alone get the things we want to get done around the house. While we don’t have the large blocks of time, I can see a few opportunities to tackle some of the disorganization that can be found around us. Now that things have been moved out of my wife’s office from the chaos of renovations last month and there is an extra bookcase in my office, there is an outside chance that we will be able to make some progress.

But even if that time evaporates and we find ourselves in the same situation come Monday morning, I am okay with that so long as we are able to spend the little free time that we have with our son. It is a new give and take that we continue to embrace, and sometimes fight, every weekend. There are moments when we wish we could have some space, have a break, just a little time to ourselves but there are also the moments when we could spend all day just watching our son in amazement occasionally looking at one another in disbelief that he is our little boy.

Just that simple fact makes me forget about all the things that need to be done. But we still need to make the time to take care of the house because when we aren’t overcome by the adorableness, we keep thinking about that list that does seem to want to go away. This weekend we hope to make those down moments a little easier and our list a little shorter. After all, like many things you just can’t put them off forever. Eventually that list needs to be taken care of so when we do have those moments to ourselves, we can enjoy the quiet and relaxation that those moments provide.

Final Month Of Preparations

It is always surprising how quickly the summer goes by and how short the respite is from many of the lodge duties that occupy the rest of the year. With less than a month to go before resuming our meetings, there is still a lot of work that needs to be done so that we can have a strong finish to the year. That being said, while the summer is usually a time for me to take a step back and relax for a few moments, I haven’t had the time to do so which makes this final month all that much more difficult.

This is the reality of the balance that we all must strive to achieve between our work, personal, and fraternal lives. While there is one part of me that wants to try and avoid some of the lodge duties for now while I try to catch up on personal and work matters, there is also a side of me that is looking forward to each and every activity, request, and email as they, for some odd reason, tend to balance out the chaos in other areas of life.

That is what we must remember and what many of us forget about the role that freemasonry plays in many of our lives. It is not just a means for fellowship and education, it is a way to bring structure, routine, and ritual to the hectic times in life. It is the regularity and measurements that it brings to our days that can sometimes be the most important role that our fraternity plays in our lives. And sometimes a part of that routine and regularity is the work that is required of officers.

With so much happening in my life right now there is an odd solace in the tasks that are asked of me as Secretary. I know what needs to be done and what projects, events, and meetings lie ahead. But I also know that there are going to be things that will come up now and again that I don’t expect. To believe otherwise would be a fallacy. I guess you could say that is what makes this routine unique and prevents monotony from setting in. So it is with this final month of the season that we prepare for the fall, enjoy the fellowship of our brothers, and return to the foundation of our work.

TMI Tuesday: Watching Him Sleep

There are moments as a parent when the world stops for just a second. Sometimes it happens because you are scared out of your mind while other times, especially lately, it is because there is a perfect simplicity to that singular time when nothing in this world could improve upon it. It is these latter moments when there is no place you would rather be and there is nothing in the world more important than simply being there to experience the peace and tranquility of parenthood.

Sure there are times when the last thing that you want to hear when you walk through the door after a long day at the office is your son whaling from the playroom. There are those times when that sudden scream in the middle of the night ten minutes after you had just fallen asleep makes you want to pull your hair out (I can actually sense my hair getting gray in those instances). And there are instances when the world stops as you can tell there is something wrong with your child and you don’t know whether to yell, cry, shut down, or take charge. But these moments tend to fade and fold deep into the recesses of your gray matter.

The moments that I remember, that get me through those stressful times in my day when I just want to throw my hands up, that make me take charge when things are difficult, are the times when I walk through the door and I can hear my son let out a joyous squee before scurrying into the kitchen and scrawling up my leg. It is the times when he is feeling tired and shy and all he wants is to be picked up so he can lay his head on my shoulder. It is that moment when I woke up last week to see my son sound asleep between us in bed with his hands behind his head and a big smile on his face.

Those are the moments that remain with me and keep me pushing forward in an effort to be a better example for my son. While I falter more times than not, I am continuously motivated to be a better man, to be a better husband, and to be a better father. Those moments are what live within us as parents and why we tend to forget the difficult times as time passes. It is also why we lay there in disbelief when we realize just how much of the bed our little boy now takes up when it seems like just yesterday that he was so tiny.

Monthly Delays

I think it got stuck!

There is always a little carry over at the lodge from the previous year. Sometimes it is as simple as some events that have postponed or votes that have been delayed from the previous leadership. Of course, there are those other moments when a complete review is need of everything that transpired over the previous twelve months. That is the situation that I find myself in now but, thankfully, this is also why I make sure to keep overly detailed notes and basically records of anything that crossed my desk.

While the last stated meeting went smoothly and we closed the lodge at a completely reasonable time, the conversations that took place after the meeting came to an end filled the remainder of the night. Long after all the other brethren departed and were on their way home, a few of us slowly made our way down the stairs, shut off the lights, and headed out to our cars. Just one of those nights that happens every once in a while.

And that is where the work only really just begins. Now is the time when a couple of us have to make the calls, send the emails, and twist some arms to get all the information that we need to ensure that our records of the previous year are complete. There isn’t really an issue it is simply a matter of collection… there are many things that just need to be brought back to the lodge and filed. Heck, there are some records that I keep at home because it is more convenient given the times when I am able to get work done between meetings.

This was just one part of the delay for the evening. The other part comes down to the fact that I enjoy discussing ideas and plans with the brothers from the lodge. More often than not, this is what adds that extra 20-30 minutes to the end of the evening. While it has been less prevalent lately with the schedule that I need to maintain, it still happens every once in a while and can actually be a quite productive part of the night. These walking brainstorm sessions in the parking lot have produced numerous viable and useful plans and projects during the year.

Sometimes I kind of wish that the work would stop when I leave the lodge or at least get into my car but, at the same time, I enjoy the moments here and there outside of the lodge when progress is made or ideas are turned into reality. However, on the other side of this are the moments when I have to hunt down brothers through every means of communication available to take care of things that should have been wrapped up by the time we replaced the calendar on the wall. Either way, the work never ends at the doors of the lodge and, overall, I am okay with that… for now.

TMI Tuesday: Standing

I still remember the look of both pride and sheer joy on our son’s face when he sat up by himself for the first time. I will always remember the moment when he finally figured out the coordination and started crawling. I continue to look forward to seeing him scurry from the playroom to greet me when I get home after work tugging on my pant leg until I pick him up. And, right now, I hold my breath a little bit every time he pulls himself onto his feet and sways as his legs continue to shake.

That is what he is focusing on now. He has figured out how to stand, how to pull himself up onto his feet, but he isn’t the most stable baby at this point. He is getting better but he also isn’t about to let go of his support anytime soon. And he hasn’t quite mastered the getting up to his feet part yet either. He actually gets pretty frustrated when it takes too many tries to get vertical. The same impatience that was on display when we was still figuring out how to crawl.

It is amazing how much he is able to do already and how much he has changed during the past couple of months. As he tries to do more his personality seems to develop more and more and, at the same time, he we can tell that he never wants to settle for what he is able to do right at that moment… he always wants to do more or at least do what he is working on better. Meanwhile, my wife and I are simply encouraging him and telling him “good job” as he stands there with his wobbly legs. That is obviously not good enough for him.

Actually, what we are seeing him start to do now that he has been standing for a couple of weeks is that he is starting to almost walk in place. It obviously isn’t very smooth and can sometimes cause him to lose his balance but you can tell that he is wanting to really be mobile… even as fast as he has become on all fours, crawling just isn’t good enough. We can tell already that he is going to be a handful as he gets older and is able to do more and more. This could get really interesting really soon… glad we finally put up baby gates last weekend!

Half Year At Ludicrous Speed

 

When our son was first born people kept telling us to enjoy this time in our as it will go by faster than we could imagine. While there were some long days here and there that common sentiment holds true as the past six months have gone by at ludicrous speed. Things have certainly changed and it is hard to imagine that our growing boy was once so small trying to grasp my finger as the nurse bathed him for the first time.

Soon our son will be heading off to daycare as my wife returns to work and we hope to have a new (and permanent) place to live in the very near future. There are changes that are fast approaching and I can’t imagine that the next six month will move any slower than the last half year. I’m just glad that we heeded that early advice and done all that we could to take in each and every moment and spend as much time as we could with our son. A routine that we look forward to continuing as the days, weeks, and months slowly slip by.

While he has yet to speak a coherent word (he sounds like a drunk talking to his imaginary friend right now) he keeps trying and it is only a matter of time before he surprises us both with an as of yet unknown first word (hopefully not a Focker moment). It is one of those moments that will seem like it takes forever to happen but will actually go by so quickly that we will once again wonder where the time went. This seems to be the case with all of his milestones, major and minor.

It has already been six months and there are definitely things that we could have done differently and times when I wish I was able to be there but there is also a plethora of memories that I will cherish forever, those moments when I made sure I was there, the time during the daily routine that makes the day just a little bit better (and sometimes stinky). One would think that all of those smiles and laughs would begin running together by now but that is certainly not the case as each morning, each laugh, and each smile at his daddy, remains as vivid as the moment it happened. Six months later and I am more excited to be a dad with every new day that passes.

Memories To Carry Me Through Monday

Cute Monkey!

It was a long weekend and I really wasn’t looking forward to heading into the office this morning. For the last three days we were out at one place or another trying to get things done and complete some final tasks. It would have been tiring had everything gone to plan but ended up being exhausting. There were highs and lows with our son doing his best to go along with everything. While he was a bit fussy and overwhelmed, we couldn’t have expected him to handle things much better than he did. With that said, we really don’t want to put him through another weekend like we just had.

When I got up this morning it felt like I hadn’t slept in days. While my eyes may have been closed and my body immobile, there seemed to have been little recuperation. My body was certainly sore and my head ached. And even though my gassy son was drowning out my alarm clock, it was still a sound that was more welcoming than the chirp and screech emanating from my cell phone.

Even half cognizant of all that was going on around me, I still had those few moments from the past few days that carry me through the morning hours. Seeing my son being held by his cousins is something that has been a bit overdue but happened at just the right time. While they didn’t seem quite sure what to do when my wife placed him in their arms, their faces lit up and seared their reaction in my memory.

Last night also proved to be a great ending to the long (but too short) weekend as my son insisted on cooing at me as the paint peeling smell emanated from his diaper. It was the first time that we heard him make those sounds and they made me want to call out of work this morning just so I could hear them again. Obviously, I will have to make do with the memory which carried me through my commute this morning.

While on that drive my wife called me not long after I got on the highway. I was anticipating less than good news, when I picked up the phone I could hear the understated excitement in her voice. Our son wasn’t just cooing, he was laughing. Even though I wasn’t there to hear it for the first time I am glad that my wife was able to have that ‘first experience’ and now I have something to look forward to, something to carry me through the long Monday.

The More You Know!

Long Awaited Weekend

I have been looking forward to this weekend for several months now. I knew that this past week was going to be a long one and that is was also going to eat into last weekend as well. In addition to counting down the days until my return from the Midwest, I have also been counting down to the end of the week and being able to shut down the computer for a couple of days (at least as it pertains to work). Of course, that was the plan and as has become commonplace lately, the plans don’t really mean anything.

Everything, as it usually does, seemed to converge today with lodge work coming back to the forefront of my mind (with deadlines attached), work projects not moving along quite as fast as I had hoped, and baby becoming rather fussy yesterday which continued through today. However, even with everything going on it has still been nice just to be home and with my family. While there are many things going through my mind that have to get done, being present is what really matters and what brings me back into the moment (even if that moment involves incessant screaming.

While many people I know would look at what needs to be accomplished at work or at the lodge and deem it important it really doesn’t matter all that much when I am looking at my son trying to figure out what to do to calm him down or when I am able to look at him as he smirks in his sleep. Everything else can wait. Right now I just want to be with my son and enjoy every moment that I can so I don’t regret overlooking these simple moments later as he continues to grow.

With that said, these moments late at night while my wife and son are sleeping have also provided a great respite to both get work done that I have pushed back from the daylight hours but also as a time to reflect and appreciate the day that has just passed. Things seem to be changing so fast lately and every moment that I can slow down and look around (Bueller? Bueller?) I have insisted on taking. After all, work will always be there with the same kinds of projects popping up time and again but these moments in life are a onetime deal and I don’t want to miss them.

“Happy” Birthday!

Thought my wife would enjoy this one. 

When it comes to my birthday I look at it as simply turning another year older… actually you’re only turning a day older. However, I enjoy celebrating birthdays of family and friends. Today I was able to do just that as my wife’s birthday snuck up on the two of us.

While she has always had mixed emotions during her day, this year was particularly bipolar as there is a lot of things swirling around our life right now and a huge amount of uncertainty, nervousness, and trepidation concerning the future. However, there were moments today that transcended all the things around us and floating above our heads. Those are the moments that will forever make this birthday one to remember.

It all started with the simple transition from yesterday to today as I was able to turn to her and think about the fact that, unlike in our previous years together, she is not just a wife, she is a mother to be. While not being toted around in her arms, she is able to celebrate this birthday with our child. Having just marked 20 weeks, we know that while baby is still freeloading, it can hear the happiness and the celebration.

Of course, recent news has curbed the joy of the day but there were moments, however short they might have been, when we were all able to enjoy the present. There was a few times when that little wrinkle of worry would fade, eyes would brighten just a little, and we were all temporarily focusing on our present actions. Yesterday and tomorrow were fleetingly pushed out of our minds.

Reality is kind of funny that way. While there is that which is immediately around us, there is also that which transcends that place and time. In the moment, we were shopping for maternity clothes, trying on shoes, and enjoying a tasty (and very large) meal at Cheesecake Factory talking about all the changes that have happened over the past year, memories of previous birthdays, and looking forward to life with the new baby. But that was only part of the reality.

We were all thinking about the unpleasant things in life and the pending hardships to be faced. Throughout the day, my wife was stronger than I think I have ever seen her. And while it is not how anyone expects to spend a birthday, there were those moments that you can’t help but remember and smile. It was a good day and sometimes that is the best gift that can be given. So, with all that said, I want to devote the last words to my wife…

While I wish I could give you the gift of an alternate universe where your sadness doesn't exist, I hope that this day with its moments of happiness will suffice. I love you and I look forward to many more birthdays in the future (especially when I can help baby pick out a gift for you)! Stay strong and know that I am always here for you.

Finding The Strength

While I can’t disclose many of the details, yesterday was a horrible day. After hearing from one of my friends that he lost a grandson over the weekend, I thought the day was bad enough. I couldn't imagine such a loss. However, things seemed to drop off a cliff shortly after that when I got a call from someone in my own family. The news sounded bad and, what’s worse, we don’t really know all the details and don’t know what the future holds. With that said, let me be clear by letting you know that the baby is fine. A bit of a pain in the butt at times, but fine.

Again, I won’t get into the details, but the news really came as a shock to me and, more especially, my wife. It is a battle that the family has faced many times and now it seems as though we must keep fighting. We have seen it come into our lives in many guises and we know what it is capable of but that doesn’t mean that we are without hope. Thankfully we are all incredibly stubborn and we are ready to fight so there is a chance that the outcome will be better than expected. This has been beaten before and can be again.

Such is the balance, or should I say unbalance, of life. Just as things seem to be calming down and there is a little bit of breathing room to be found, something like this happens. While the pessimistic side of me is always preparing for something like this to happen (maybe that is why I am unable to fully relax most days) this is still shocking and leaves us feeling unprepared to deal with what lies on the horizon. These moments leave us to reassess our priorities and put the now unimportant things aside so that we can be in the present and do all that we can to get through today, tomorrow, and the next day.

At the same time, these moments bring back the memories that we have put to the backs of our minds. We remember the battles fought and we recall the strength of those people that we love. That might be why this post has taken so much time and energy to write. While moments like this are trying for everyone in the family, we will all come together with all the strength and love that we have and do whatever we can to help. Sometimes it may not be much but, in times like these, even those little things mean a lot when we put our hearts into them.

Another Half Year Down

You don’t have to look at the calendar to realize that it’s July. For the first time this year the sweat was flowing freely down the faces of anyone who stepped outside for more than a couple of minutes. The immediate chill and relaxation upon opening the door to the office building is something that is unique to summer and if often the highlight of the morning commute. And, for the first time in three years, I have been able to enjoy the heat of the day and sleep wrapped in the cool of the night.

It seems that it was a mere few weeks since I last wrote about the resolutions and the recap of the previous things checked off the list. That is not what this blog is about, not today, not this summer. There are too many great things that have happened so far this year some that I previously listed as goals and resolutions while others just happened, surfacing in the flow of life. I have been too focused on lists at times to truly embrace the greatness of this world and the gift of life that we have all been given.

This year has been one of tremendous personal satisfaction and, thankfully, stability. While it has been far from perfect, there are few things that I would go back and change. I couldn’t tell you any particular instance that comes to mind as I can’t recall the moments to which I reference. I have made a point to forget that which prevents me from keeping my eyes looking forward. While I am not always successful in this endeavor, I am making the effort and I am definitely better off for doing so.

And one of the tools that has allowed me to do this is this blog. This is why you will occasionally read the rants or the recounting of days that may have been led astray. Writing these things down allows me to forget. Words and photos are things that live in the past. Once a picture is taken or a word is written it is immediately thrown into the past. It was captured. It was written. Only the sentence that I construct at this very moment is a piece of the present. All other thoughts and actions have already happened and been recorded.

It has been a great year so far and one that I am happy to forget. All those moments are within me, stored in my mind and influencing my current direction, but they are not cognizant thoughts that dominate my every moment. Each of us have in our own mind the greatest story ever told which only ends when we can no longer remember who we are and what we have done. This year has been great thus far and I look forward to continuing to write the story of my life in the following days, months, years, and for the rest of my life. And the best part of this story is that no matter how much I try to plan or anticipate I have no idea what is going to be on the next page.

Attempting To Find Space…

Not much space left.

Usually as some point during any given day there is a time when I just need a little space. Not just physical space but separation from the noises of the world. Definitely something harder to do than to simple ponder about. Sometimes I can even go all day and have to setting for those meager moments of slumber to escape the world and get some alone time. When I say this, many people see this as a bad thing, like I am trying to get away from people or some people get offended like I am trying to get away from them. This couldn’t be further from the truth. Everything requires some space in one form or another. When there is no space things can tend to run together and just seem to blur into a solid brick, much like this post. Sometimesthesimplespacebetweenwordscanmakeallthediffernceintheworldwhentryingtocomprehendwhatisrightinfrontofyou. Even the commute back and forth to work is filled with a lack of space from the cars on the road crowding the lanes to the constant connection maintained with my cell phone. Space is more than just a physical proximity. Space is that single moment of nothing that we all need in our day. That moment when everything around us stops, the phone is silent, and the computer hibernates. It is those times when you step out of the office for a minute, forgetting your cell phone, and feeling glad that you don’t have it flipped out in your palm as you scan the screen or pick up a call. Space, in many respects, is the most precious and healthiest part of the day when you are as even keeled as you can possibly be. But, with work, home, lodge, and all the other activities that fill my calendar, the necessity of space has quickly become a luxury. I guess it is just harder for some of us than others especially those of us that have a mind that doesn’t seem to want to stop. The damn thing just keeps on working jumping from one thought to another without taking that moment to enjoy the microscopic space between the neurons. Sometimes the best time in my day is when I am trying to think of something, finally recall the information, and stop caring about it as soon as the information is retrieved. It is a split second of mental silence after that moment of forgetfulness that can be the most peaceful time in the day. It is a moment of relief that is rarely experienced and one that I can’t seem to find often enough. It is this time of completely blocking out the rest of the world when the mind and body simultaneously relax. It is for this same reason that many of us enjoy one sport or another in our free time. It is the repetition and focus needed that blocks out the rest of the world. You are in your own space focused on the singular experience. That is the time when we have all the space we need. I need to find more moments like that during my everyday life when I can enjoy life. I just have to find the space.