TMI Tuesday: I Can’t Poop!

 

There are many different cries and screams that we have learned to decipher over the past year and a half. Granted, my wife is much better as interpreting them but there are a few that I have been able to pick up over time. One of them has a certain decibel and cadence that simply translates to “I can’t poop and I am not happy about it!” Unfortunately, we tend to know that this one is going to happen when he goes nearly an entire day without a red faced movement.

This is also one of those screams that can really happen at any time, day or night. And it doesn’t matter where we are at the time either as we have experienced his vocal cords piercing our ears while in bed, at the dinner table, in the playroom, while out to dinner, with family, and in the car. It is an equal opportunity scream that definitely gets your attention. Keep in mind that all of this is in despite of him regularly eating a healthy amount of movement inducing foods.

When we hear it we know that he is uncomfortable and, if at night, he is going to have trouble sleeping. And, given the backup that it represents, we try to keep his situation in mind when he doesn’t eat as much or doesn’t scurry around the house at the rate or regularity that he normally does. What’s worse, is that this particular siren becomes more pronounced when he doesn’t get the results he is looking for after the latest colonic pilates session.

During some of these more intense blockages, he even produces what can best be described as golf balls in between complete expulsions. Try sitting on a golf ball or small rock while at your desk and see how that feels. It is a sensation that doesn’t offer any relief. On the contrary, it makes him even grumpier and I can’t really blame him for the reaction.

However, when all is said and done and the increased fiber intake overtakes the barrier, the sense of relief that washes over his face is quite the site to see. Of course, there is a hint of fear in his eyes as well as he knows that the odds of a blowout are rather high in this situation. But, when all is said and done, it is nice to have our cheeky little baby boy back to his normal self. At least until the next time.

TMI Tuesday: What Rhymes With Poop?

Well, the poop hit the fan last weekend! As last week came to an end, we were all tired. It was a long week at the office for me, my wife returned to work after doggedly pursuing the last document she needed from a former employer, and our son had his first experience at daycare (he spent three days there). We were all ready for a quiet weekend spent at home taking a break from the chaotic days that seem to have dominated these days off during the summer. Well, that was the plan…

We had noticed that our son wasn’t feeling well later in the week and my wife had taken him to the pediatrician on Friday to get checked out. We followed the directions they gave us and we put him to bed with a little Tylenol (per the instructions we were given), a cold air humidifier in the corner, and the head of his bed slightly elevated. A few hours later, with my wife and son now both asleep, I was at my computer sorting through my neglected emails when I could hear what sounded like a wounded cow near the top of the stairs. When I turned the corner to walk toward the bedroom there was my wife holding our moaning child. Something wasn’t right.

It wasn’t long before we were all in the car on our way to the emergency room. Thankfully, it was a slow night and I was able to hold my son in the hospital bed shortly after our arrival. In the end it wasn’t just a cold as the pediatrician told us earlier, he had Croup. Almost immediately after he was given the right medicine the groans stopped and we could both tell that he was beginning to feel better. An hour after we arrived we were back in the car and on our way home. We were all exhausted and soon after our return assumed our positions from before this whole ordeal began.

Obviously we all slept in on Saturday as we resumed our plans and took it easy allowing our son sleep as much as he needed and my wife and I trying to relax, order dinner, and spend some time together. Well, dinner was a mistake. By Sunday morning our son was returning to his normal happy self while my wife and I were struggling to do just about anything. After my wife reluctantly cancelled her plans for the day, we knew that this wasn’t going to get better without some help so we both headed over to the local Urgent Care once my mom arrived to watch our recuperating baby.

Fortunately, the doctors knew exactly how to treat food poisoning and so after some medicine and two IV bags, we returned to the house feeling a lot better than when we left. While we were both nowhere near ‘better’ we both felt good enough to return to work the following morning and our son, no longer contagious, returned to daycare. It was a long weekend after a long week and I hope we never have to go through that again!

TMI Tuesday: Holding Back

Our son is one of those babies that enjoys being out of the house. He likes being in the car (for the most part), visiting new places, and being around most people. It is nice to see him be so outgoing and we try to get him out of the confines of our house and around other people as often as we can. The simple fact that our son is so outgoing made it just a little easier when we decided to put him in daycare.

Today was his first day and while his personality made it a little easier for him, it was still hard for my wife and me to leave him there for the day. He didn’t shed a single tear or really seem phased by this new environment as his curiosity had him looking around the room and searching for other babies with which to “talk”. It was kind of a surreal experience that left us wondering where the last six months had gone and how our son could already have gotten so big.

While we have left him in the care of family in the past to watch him, this was the first time that we parted ways and entrusted his safety to strangers. We had met them in the past but not for very long. However, we were familiar with the daycare and knew of others who have their kids there so we made the decision to ensure that he is able to socialize while my wife and I are at work. Of course, that didn’t keep us from wondering and worrying throughout the day and making a couple of calls to check in on him.

At the end of the day we were both able to pick him up (I spent the day home from work with a headache probably caused from stress and a lack of sleep). As soon as our son heard our voices we could see the smile overtake his adorable face. Again, no crying or fussing, he was just happy to see mommy and daddy again after spending a day with his new friends.

As soon as we left the building we knew that our son was holding back all day as the gas and poop flowed freely now that he was back home. I guess he already knows not to burp and fart in public. Having spent the day apart they were welcomed sounds as we held our son although I could still go without the smells. One day down and a new routine started.

TMI Tuesday: ‘Tis The Season of Swamp Butt

During the colder winter months and even into the slightly warmer spring, the aroma that filled the car during our son’s moments of colonic expression weren’t really that bad. When they happened we had a little time to get where we needed to go before changing him. However, as the weather has gotten warmer and the sweltering sun beats through the window during these late summer months, the window of opportunity is much smaller before we begin gasping for air. There have been more than a few occasions when a window had to be opened.

Such is the dilemma during this season of swamp butt. While you want to get to where we need to be as soon as possible, the smell that permeates every crevice of the car at times prevents us from staying on the road. There have been some interesting stops in the past couple of months from small dirt patches on the side of the road to all kinds of parking lots. We have actually become quite adept as spotting a clearing in the distance where we know we can stop, open the hatch in the back, pull the stroller out, and get the job done on the all-weather mats (something I am glad that we got for the car).

There are even times when our son gets a look on his face that shows that even he is a little disturbed by the smell rising up from his car seat and swirling around in the cabin. Sometimes he can smell the swamp butt before the wave hits us. This is particularly interesting given the fact that he is becoming more aware of his surroundings with every passing day. Even while we have been house hunting, there were a few moments of stink when the next stop seemed so far away despite our appointments being so close together.

So, for all the new parent out there I would like to leave you with a little jingle to which we can all relate during these summer months when the sun wreaks havoc on the senses and our eyes water as we search for the nearest place to pull over…

Deck the car with bowels of dookie,

Fa la la la la la la la la.

‘Tis the season to be stinky,

Fa la la la la la la la la.

Don we now our stained apparel

Troll the summer colonic carol,

Fa la la la la la la la la.

TMI Tuesday: Guilty Grin

The highlight for me almost every morning is walking into our son’s bedroom, turning off the music, and welcoming him to a new day. Most of the time, no matter how much he is fussing, when he hears my voice and turns his head he gives me a wide smile and a light in his eyes that make the grogginess of the hour immediately disappear. It is a moment that I look forward to every single day and what allows me to begin the day anew no matter what the previous day had been like.

Of course, there are also the times when I am slightly taken aback when that smile turns quickly into a guilty grim piercing the emanation rising from his crib. Sometimes it is nothing more than air while other times it is a much more pungent and persistent odor that requires immediate attention. Sadly I must admit that he gets that smirk from his daddy as I know all too well what it means no matter if a toxic cloud is present or not.

This reaction has only become more entertaining as time has gone by and our son had continued to grow. Now the questions of “did you fart?” or “did you poop?” elicit that same complicit expression. It seems as though he already comprehends the humor that those bodily functions can bring to a situation (along with the stink). But those are not the only times that this this expression appears.

One thing that annoys my wife from time to time is the fact that our son seemingly saves some of his energy toward the end of the day so that he can play when daddy gets home. There have been several occasions when my wife would have a particularly rough day with our son not wanting to cooperate but when I open the door and he hears my voice, our son’s demeanor completely changes. I would be lying if I said that I didn’t like the fact that he reacts to me in that way but, at the same time, I can see how it can be a little annoying (to say the least) for my wife.

When I sit him on my lap and talk to him about it usually asking if he had been a good boy today, that same guilty grin appears. Except this time he usually drives it home with some cooing and baby gibberish. The force is definitely strong with this one as neither of us can really remain completely annoyed at that point with such effervescent cuteness… this is not the guilty baby you are looking for. At least when this guilt grin appears we don’t have to deal with the same fallout that fills the morning.

TMI Tuesday: Baby Dents

A little moon topography... now this is a moonscape!

There have been a number of occasions, especially over the past year, when we would get a package in the mail only to find that it had been battered and dented while in transit to our doorstep. I have had to make countless calls because of this but it has usually been remedied by the time all is said and done. However, we did receive one gift this year that came to us a little dented but we didn’t care. Actually, it was completely normal.

Anyone who had seen a newborn knows what I am talking about. They come into this world a little oddly shaped and with a few dents in their head that make you wonder. Over time, things smooth out but some of the indents are slower to go away than others. So much so that a topographer might go insane trying to update the changing cranial landscape so frequently.

Every once in a while I still look at our son’s head and can’t help but thinking “that looks like it hurts.” I know if my head looked like that I would probably be drooling on myself and crapping my pants too. But it is all part of the developmental process and the thought quickly goes away. It is just odd to see little dents where his head is still forming. I like to think that his head has to work a little bit harder to make room for his huge brain… he is a smart little baby after all.

There are also other things that are still developing but slowly his muscles are displacing the insulation. Heck, daddy might not have a six pack but baby certainly does. It is actually surprising how strong that our son has become and how quickly his coordination is developing. It is a daily occurrence to find him doing different things and being able to better understand what is happening around him. It is sometimes hard to keep track but it is fun trying to keep up with him.  

But even with all of these things changing around him and the development progressing faster than anyone anticipated, those odd little dents in his head remain. He also remains in my eyes to be the perfect baby (I will enjoy this while it lasts). And while I have returned packages in the past with similar dents, our baby is perfect in his imperfections and there is no way I could even consider life without him.

TMI Tuesday: Squishy Doesn’t Mean Comfy!

Every night I look forward to crawling into bed onto the slightly squishy mattress and enjoying the comfort for a few minutes before falling asleep. Even when away from home, the same basic routine applies and while I prefer the firmer memory foam at home the plush squishiness on the road is sometimes a welcomed change. Regardless of where I am, it is this little moment of relaxation that ensures a long and restful slumber.

Our son has pretty much the same routine as his daddy. However, there is such a thing as too squishy which he proved early on within the first month of being home. It is this experience which has impacted the way that he has slept ever since.

It all started in mid-March when we hear his intense cry piercing through a rather pungent odor. It was clear that the mess in his diaper was not conducive to his ability to sleep which by this time was usually 5 or more hours at a time. When he was brought over to the changing table we couldn’t really blame him for being uncomfortable. Baby’s first night of swamp butt has stuck with him.  

Since that night our son has, for the most part, refused to poo while he is asleep at night. Naps seem to be a big exception to the rule. Basically, out son just doesn’t like the feeling of laying in his own stinky squishiness and would rather hold it in until morning.

This brings about an obvious drawback because the morning can be a rather vicious time of day. It is when everything seems to wake up and in the midst of his morning stretch everything is let loose. The people at Folgers didn’t take this into account when considering what might be the most dominant smell to perfume the morning.

Unfortunately, we have also found that while he still doesn’t like the feeling, he doesn’t quite have the mastery of his bowels when sitting in the car seat. Those seem to be the most interesting occurrences which usually result in the changing of outfits and a strong urge to give him a quick bath. All the while, pooping is fair game when someone is holding him.

While it smells, it’s messy, and it can be annoying when it happens in a newly sealed diaper, you can’t help but laugh when he gives you that cheeky little smirk that he has already managed to master. He may crap, and crap a lot, but he is so darn cute while doing it that it doesn’t seem that bad… at least in hind sight. And the loud loads are just funny.

TMI Tuesday: That Wasn’t A Fart!

There are times early in the evening when there is loud rumble coming from the baby monitor. It’s not so much surprising as it is impressive given the fact that our son only recently surpassed the ten pound mark. While some might be a little taken back and somewhat disgusted by these emanations the fact of the matter is that they are downright hilarious.

Usually before an eruption our son begins to squirm and make the occasional noise boarding on a cry. When this happens I turn the video on just to check in on him only to see two feet pointing straight up in the air, stomach tensed, and face scrunched. As soon as he unleashes the “Cracken”, his body relaxes and he goes back to sleep.

Of course, then there are the other times when our son stops whatever he is doing (which isn’t much at this point) and starts grunting and pushing to the point that his face becomes a deep red. At this point it is best to take cover. While most of the time it is nothing but air followed by a smirk there have been quite a few moments when the shrapnel tries blowing through whatever barrier stands in its way. While that part may not be funny the look of disbelief, shock, and relief on our son’s face makes us laugh every time.

And when I say blow through barriers I mean blow through barriers. While I am certain that our son could fit into a smaller diaper, his colon wants nothing to do with those limited boundaries. We have been forced to move up a couple of sizes already not because of things being too tight but because the diapers failed the containment test (aka the blowout test). That is probably the most pleasant way of describing the scene when you pick up your child in the morning only to find that he has painted his back up to his shoulder blades. Not a pleasant way to wake up but one of those times when you find yourself laughing all the way to the bathtub.

While the sound effects started early on (before we left the hospital), they have only grown over time in both potency and decibel level. However, there is a bright side to this whole explosive situation. We have now gotten to the point when I can sleep through the night knowing that I have plausible deniability when I wake up. He still has a long way to go but he is proving to be a quick study.

TMI Tuesday: Poo Rainbow

Not long after our son arrived and they brought him back to our room in the maternity ward we were warned of all the things that we would be encountering when we changed his diaper. “Oh, the things you’ll see” as Dr. Seuss would say. However, words can’t really express the interesting moments of discovery when we peeled back the tabs and saw the carnage laid upon Pooville.

It all started with the tar pit. This is the kind of nasty stuff that they find dinosaurs in and what they use to patch highways. It’s like trying to clean up a pile of black superglue. I was half tempted to call the EPA when his diaper seemed as though it was attached with Velcro and the wipes seemed to whimper in the corner of the bassinet.

Slowly but surely these emanations transformed into a consistency that we are all familiar with. “Pardon me, do you have any Grey Poopon?” Why yes, yes I do. That’s right, I was never a big fan of mustard to begin with but I am certainly avoiding it now that I have seen the “seedy Dejon” that our son had been producing. And that is exactly how the doctors and nurses describe the consistency… it is even found in the little take home poo packet.

Seeing all this is one thing but seeing it in action is another. Last weekend we found ourselves playing the part of Lepookans doing our best to avoid being caught at the end of the poo rainbow. Ever since we found out and told people that we were having a boy they all warned us to block the winkie but no one bothered to inform us of the other fountain that poses a threat to new parents.

We were nearly done changing his diaper and about to pull up his new Pampers when all of the sudden someone decided to squeeze the mustard bottle and my wife and I ducked for cover. Thankfully there weren’t any fans in the room that it could hit and really cause a mess. Safe to say we had a little extra laundry that had to be done that night and made be seriously consider putting up a splash guard at the end of the changing table.

However, even with the flurry of fierce feces, things have been going pretty smoothly and, most importantly, baby seems to be happy. He’s a bit of a gassy little baby but none of that matters when I pick him up and he smiles as he looks at me. Of course, there are those interesting times when he holds his hand out seemingly saying “Daddy, pull my finger!”

Time Flies When I’m Thinking

Last night I had planned on going to bed early. Around ten, I sat at my desk to clean out some receipts from my wallet and throw them in the shred box. This is a simple task that should have taken no more than ten minutes. However, I found myself sitting there, staring at the wall, and thinking. A very dangerous habit but one that I can’t seem to break. Before I knew it, midnight had come and gone and I was just getting ready for bed.

Since the moment we found out that we are having a baby there have been moments here and there when I would catch a glimpse of how drastically our life would change. Last night was the first time when I really sat and thought about all that needs to be done and everything that we will have to shift around in our life. While time is one consideration, space is another and as I looked around our office, there are a lot of things that need to be changed by the end of the year.

It is nothing that we can’t handle but it is going to take some thought to plan out the moves necessary to maximize the limited square footage of our apartment. What can I say, we have a lot of stuff. But that is part of the process; that is part of the change that occurs during this stage in life; out with our stuff, in with the baby stuff. It makes me wonder what George Carlin would have to say about this change in stuff status.

Contrary to what you might originally think, it is kind of a relief. While there are a lot of things that we will be holding on to, it brings to my attention all the things that we never should have held on to in the first place. We’re not hoarders but we are not living a minimalistic life either. It reminds me of when we decided to move to Israel; we had to look around and figure out what we really wanted to keep and what we could get rid of. While this is not as extreme, we now need to focus on what things we want to take with us on this new adventure.

So now, in addition to the cleaning that is already long overdue, it is time to sort and organize so that we can begin preparing for the life that we have always dreamed of which is now, slowly, becoming a reality. I am sure that there will be times when the stress will outweigh the optimism but, overall, these moments when I am just able to sit and think quietly are the ones that will continue to fuel my anticipation. In between, I am going to continue working, cleaning, organizing, and trying my best to prepare myself for the changes on the horizon.

Not looking forward to that 'stuff'!