From Home To House

Today I couldn’t help but think about my grandmom’s old house in Ocean City, New Jersey. I remember visiting her multiple times every summer and, on occasion, staying in the extra bedroom. When time came to sell the house, I remember not wanting to even drive by there anymore. It wasn’t the same without her there. It was nothing more than a simple structure. The memories are what made a special place.

While today was a completely different situation altogether, I couldn’t keep that memory from coming to the surface. I also couldn’t help but think about the many times my wife and I would drive up the hill to her mother’s house and begin walking down the path waiting for the dogs to start barking. It is interesting the memories that are the most vivid. Of course there are others but some memories need to be kept inside for a while before sharing them as stories.  

This was just my thought process. Throughout my work day I kept thinking about my wife and all that she has had to deal with over these last several months. I can’t imagine what was going through my wife’s mind today. It is one of those times when saying “I know how it feels” or “I know what you are going through” would be wildly inappropriate. I have no idea what this has been like and I have no inkling of what memories have been brought to the surface today.

The only think that I know is that a place that was once part of our normal weekly routine has become a memory. What made that place special lives on in our minds but, for me, the place itself is now just a house. Maybe this seems cold to some but it is how I deal with it. It is a process that works for me regardless of how imperfect it may be. It is also one that I can’t expect will work for others. This is why I will not drive by the house just for the heck of it.

With that said, I look at that house in my mind and wish that our son was able to experience the same happiness that once filled the vast space within those walls. However, those memories will certainly live on in the stories that we will be telling our son throughout his life. But, for now, those memories will remain in my mind as we continue through this whole process. Besides, I’m not the right person to be telling him those stories anyway.

Dividing Time

Each week I have the same debate in my mind of whether or not I am going to drive to the lode after work. Honestly, it is getting more and more difficult to dedicate the time during the week after a long day at the office as it is also a long day away from my wife and son. This has been particularly true as of late since I have been wanting to get home as soon as possible and hold my baby boy before he gets too fussy and heads off to bed.

When I get home each night that is pretty much my routine… put everything down, forget (as much as I can) about work, and spend some time with our child. This is both how I like to spend the early part of the evening and what my wife needs at the end of the day… a short break to do the important things like eat. While it has become part of daily life, it is still a surreal experience every time I walk through the door and see him.

It is a new routine that we are still working on and we probably won’t find the right mix until he is ready to move out. While my work hours are going down a little bit this month, there are still other things that have to get done and projects that I have to catch up on. If only I didn’t have to sleep every night I might be able to keep everything on track. I guess it is just a matter of finding the right balance… eventually.  

Thankfully, most of the people in my life understand the directions that I am pulled in on a regular basis and know full well the importance of family. This is especially true when I have a chance to talk with many of the brothers at the lodge. This is also why I am looking forward to him getting just a little older so I can bring him along to some of the family events and take road trips as a family to the occasional meeting on the other side of the commonwealth.

Balance is what is needed to properly measure our days. Maybe then my mind will stop wandering from place to place and from task to task. But, until that time, I am going to keep pushing forward and spending as much time as possible with my family and as little time as possible being unproductive. I am sure that things will, eventually, work themselves out.

Driving And The Local

It’s great to set plans and get away for a weekend but sometimes it is nice to just get in the car and drive somewhere without a particular schedule. This was the balance of our Saturday as we drove up the northeast extension, got off the highway just north of where we had previously looked at apartments, and meandered up and down the semirural roads just enjoying the scenery and looking around. Despite a few pockets of traffic, within a couple of hours since leaving the apartment we found ourselves sitting at another small restaurant beside the railroad tracks although this was definitely a distinctly different location than Hungry Bear Café.

The Local was chosen on a complete whim as we quickly pulled up a map of lunch spots as we crossed the line between Telford into Souderton. Sitting at a table on the old train platform it was a beautiful small town location with Main Street peaking between the sunflowers at the far end of the repurposed depot. I really wish I had gotten a picture of this to share but as we let the house just for a little exploration I completely forgot to put the camera in the car. I’ll get one next time.

The food was pretty darn good as I had eggs benedict (with extra crispy Scrapple on the side) and my wife had a veggie omelet. The coffee was surprisingly tasty as well. You’d be surprised (well, some of you wouldn’t) at how hard it is to find both a good cup of coffee and properly prepared scrapple. Eggs benedict is a fairly consistent way to measure a small breakfast spot as well. So, yes, in addition to the view, we will be returning to The Local in the near future when we continue exploring that area.

After our satisfying stop we got back in the car and continued to weave our way through the small towns as we made our way back to the highway. With the moderate August weather and the roads fairly clear, it was a nice day to be out driving without a plan especially away from the business of the main line. With the afternoon quickly passing us by, we made a couple final stops. The first was to partake in a classic summer treat (for the second weekend in a row) at Rita’s and the second was a stop to a local book store where we actually walked out empty handed.

Nearly home from our casual day, I couldn’t help but think about the ways that things will be different this time next year. With a new baby on the way, we hope to have a home of our own next summer. Where? No idea at this point as we have to restart our search in future months. I just hope that with all the changes, and another year at my current job, we have a greater sense of security and permanence in our life. That would be a welcomed change from the past few years of wondering and worrying about what was going to happen next and were we were going to end up.

Time Flies When I’m Thinking

Last night I had planned on going to bed early. Around ten, I sat at my desk to clean out some receipts from my wallet and throw them in the shred box. This is a simple task that should have taken no more than ten minutes. However, I found myself sitting there, staring at the wall, and thinking. A very dangerous habit but one that I can’t seem to break. Before I knew it, midnight had come and gone and I was just getting ready for bed.

Since the moment we found out that we are having a baby there have been moments here and there when I would catch a glimpse of how drastically our life would change. Last night was the first time when I really sat and thought about all that needs to be done and everything that we will have to shift around in our life. While time is one consideration, space is another and as I looked around our office, there are a lot of things that need to be changed by the end of the year.

It is nothing that we can’t handle but it is going to take some thought to plan out the moves necessary to maximize the limited square footage of our apartment. What can I say, we have a lot of stuff. But that is part of the process; that is part of the change that occurs during this stage in life; out with our stuff, in with the baby stuff. It makes me wonder what George Carlin would have to say about this change in stuff status.

Contrary to what you might originally think, it is kind of a relief. While there are a lot of things that we will be holding on to, it brings to my attention all the things that we never should have held on to in the first place. We’re not hoarders but we are not living a minimalistic life either. It reminds me of when we decided to move to Israel; we had to look around and figure out what we really wanted to keep and what we could get rid of. While this is not as extreme, we now need to focus on what things we want to take with us on this new adventure.

So now, in addition to the cleaning that is already long overdue, it is time to sort and organize so that we can begin preparing for the life that we have always dreamed of which is now, slowly, becoming a reality. I am sure that there will be times when the stress will outweigh the optimism but, overall, these moments when I am just able to sit and think quietly are the ones that will continue to fuel my anticipation. In between, I am going to continue working, cleaning, organizing, and trying my best to prepare myself for the changes on the horizon.

Not looking forward to that 'stuff'!

 

In Need Of A Deep Cleaning

One of the things that always seems to be put off for another day is cleaning. It is safe to say that it is our least favorite thing to do so naturally we keep saying tomorrow or next weekend. It is that pattern that has gotten us to where we are now… living in a bit of a mess.

It really isn’t the dust or dirt that is the issue as that can be remedied with a Swiffer and a vacuum. What really gets me is when I can’t find the things that I am looking for because everything is laying in disorganized piles cluttering up my desk or crammed in the draw so tight that I am unable to flip through the files. When I can’t find things I tend to leave them in the land of lost and forgotten papers… only when something is truly important do I continue searching until I find it. However, that brings an important question to the forefront… is it worth keeping if it isn’t important enough to keep searching?

More often than not, this simple question leads to an overdue sifting when I toss those former trees into the shred box. Ah, the shred box, there is hours of work that I really don’t have the time of patience to deal with which is why, every so often, I wind up throwing everything into a trash bag and heading off to Staples with a coupon in hand. I think it might be time to look for another one of those coupons.

If you couldn’t tell, when my work space becomes disorganized my thoughts and my free writing tends to become very loose and sometimes completely disorganized in and of itself. Even now, if you couldn’t tell, my mind seems a bit jumbled and I am finding it hard to stay focused on the task at hand. With every passing word of this post I am thinking about the fifty other things that I have to get done, the things that I need to organize, and the question as to when I am going to have the time to do them.

Maybe it is a little OCD of me to be having these thoughts and these issues with my focus. I don’t know. But, needless to say, there are a lot of things that are going through my mind at this moment some of which I have already written about and others that have yet to make it into the blog. Maybe if I can get organized and put everything in an order that makes some semblance of sense, I will get everything in my mind written in posts and up on this blog. I guess time will only tell.

Crafting Perspective

Everyone can look back at different points or events in their life and say what if. We all have the lingering regrets that surface if we dedicate too much thought to the past. I don’t care who you are, you know that you have had moments when those thoughts would run through your mind wondering if things would have gone differently if you had made a different decision. While most days these thoughts are nowhere to be found, I have the occasional day when the memories linger like a heavy fog on a cool humid morning.

Regrets, in the right amount, are a healthy part of life. It is the time when the analytical and creative minds meet at a common point and time in your past and try to figure out the scenarios that could have played out. It is actually a fascinating process if you remove yourself from the decision… basically, by taking an objective view of the situation you are able to enjoy the projections and story lines that can be created. It’s like a chose your own adventure book (remember those?) but with a vividness and reality that is seldom achieved through the words on a page.

Of course, in order to do this you have to come to terms with your past decisions. Sure there are moments that you may not be proud of or that may piss you off. Some things were completely in your control and others you had now control over the situation… regardless of the situation you have to leave it in the past. Besides, the clichéd little chestnut is true, all of those events and moments in your past have made you who you are today. I can’t speak for anyone else, but I am pretty darn happy with who I am and where I am at this point in my life. There are some things that I wish were a little different but nothing that I would really change.

If you are able to keep things in perspective the creative logic that is applied to your own past can provide you with pages of content and hours of entertainment. I have created many stories and scenes by leveraging my own past and tweaking it to create an alternative timeline to fit the needs of the character and story. As a bonus, once you put a different name in the situation and build an entirely different story arch it, for the most part, removes that trajectory from your own mind and therefore eliminates a avenue of regret.

It may seem odd but it works. This is what makes the creative process so personal at times and why many of us invest so much in the stories that we tell. It is a part of us, a part of our past, a part of our reality… it allows the possibilities of the past contribute to who we are today in a positive and productive way. In the end, embrace the past, good and bad, as well as the realities that did happen and possibilities that never materialized. All of these things are what feed your mind it is up to you weather that is a good thing or bad thing.

Invasion Of The Large Sticky Notes

We all have memories, at least those of us over a certain age, of the blackboard being filled with what at the time seemed like an endless list of information. While it was nothing more than routine at the time, in hindsight it was actually a great tool to make sure that everyone was on the same page and, for me, it kept my wandering mind on task. While I see this as my mind being occupied by an overflow of thoughts, today it would most likely be seen as ADD which, to use a technical term, is crap.

Moving on in my academic life, the chalk quickly stepped aside and the grease board became a more prevalent wall decoration. I recently found out that I am older than I thought as the term ‘grease board’ is no longer used. Even after my undergraduate years, the white board was something that I tried to utilize for the same benefit that I got out of the chalk board in my youth. There is something about writing down a task, monitoring progress, and finally crossing it off that is oddly satisfying in a way that I have not been able to achieve through digital means.

Now, I find myself taking a step back as the back wall of my office is constantly covered with large sticky notes. For those of you unfamiliar or just can’t picture the process, these bloated sheets of paper are a cross between a Post-It note and wall paper. There seems to be a temporary state of permanence with these scribbling broad sides that force me to make progress on the variety of projects that I have going on at any given time. Working on multiple accounts and numerous projects, this is an essential process in place that keeps my mind from focusing on one task too long or straying off and concentrating on a non-priority.

So now, between the random pieces of paper pinned above my desk and the large swaths of note paper stuck to the wall behind me, my office is resembling a chaotic collection of thoughts and tasks that may be foreign to some but I have found is quite common for those in my line of work. It’s basically like a sane version of “A Beautiful Mind” with a less socially awkward cast of characters. Of course, we all have our days when reality takes a back seat to whatever scenario we find ourselves in or requests that we receive from clients. I guess you could say that the most insane part of this job and the way my office looks is the volume of work that it represents.

Thoughts During The Afternoon ‘Rush’

Yes, that is a guy stopped on the side of the road,
under the overpass, with his motorcycle.

Not long after arriving at work this morning the predicted snow began to fall and the anticipated totals began to rise. It started with a few flurries but within an hour of starting the flakes were falling fast and furious. By noon, it had gotten to the point when we knew we had the option to leave or potentially get stuck at the office for the long haul. Needless to say, we packed up our desks and shot out the door.

As soon as I pulled the car out of the spot and I could hear the powder back beneath my tires, I knew that it was going to be a slow ride home. Unfortunately, I underestimated the sluggish pace. We all had the same idea and so the ‘evening’ rush began just as I was merging onto the highway. I found traction on the highways but a mass of cars which I can’t remember the last time I experienced. Three and a half hours later I slid into the apartment parking lot and backed into an unplowed parking space.

It was a lot of time to spend on the road when the anticipated journey was supposed to be an hour. With the radio reports repeating the same stories and no real need to hear about the obvious state of the weather and traffic conditions, I decided to take care of a few calls. It didn’t take long before those numbers had been run through and everything that I could take care from behind the wheel was resolved.

It was at this point when the drive became very dangerous… with little else to do I began thinking. When you know the exact route that you are taking it becomes more of a subconscious task which frees up your mind to just wander. The kind of thinking where there really isn’t boundaries or logic to the progression of thoughts. You just go from one idea to another from things that happened during the day and projects that need to be completed to opinions of idiotic press conferences and overreactions by the media.

Yes, I am referring to the uneducated presentation by California State Senator Kevin de Leon and the never ending Governor Christie saga. Both of these politicians, while in drastically different ways, are clearly uninformed and seem to evade acknowledging reality. One seems to revel in ranting about Casper the evil rifle while the other seems to not know what the heck is going on in his own administration. However, I would prefer a politician overlooking something rather than someone who seems hell bent on banning something that he clearly doesn’t understand at all and seems to have no desire to ever understand.

Of course, I also had some lighter thoughts while driving above the asphalt but, for some reason, nothing seemed to stick in my mind. But, you can clearly see the diverse directions my mind tends to go by simply reading through the posts on this blog. Sometimes there are moments/posts when everything is concise and makes perfect sense while other times I just ramble. The trip home today was basically a combination of the two.

Perspective From The Rightleft Side Of My Brain

I came to the realization tonight that I time has passed much too quickly for my liking. It used to be when I watched television shows that the characters were portraying the life that was ahead of me (in some parallel universe) but now I watch the same kinds of shows and they are my age. Or, more accurately, I am their age. Now it truly has become a means of looking into parallel lives.

However, unlike the past. I watch not in want of anything that they have but with an appreciation for the path I have taken and where I am now. There are certainly directions that could have proven more advantageous in various ways, particularly financially, not I don’t know if I would necessarily be better off. It is possible that could be the case but I am happy with where I am wand what I have right here, right now.

There are little things that I need to work on to improve myself but everyone has things that they either want to change or improve. There are times that I wish I had gotten more done or produced more work but I don’t know if that still would have led me to this moment, writing these words. There are a lot of moments where things could have been different but a lot of subsequent moments that could have been lost if things didn’t happen exactly as they have happened in my life.

And while I watch the television shows and the live depicted on the screen it is entertaining to see how my generation has developed and how much it has changed over the years. I think I may finally be comfortable with my generation. Well maybe not all of them but at least some of them. There is still a certain disconnection I feel with my peers but the chasm is not nearly as vast as it was five or ten years ago.

Of course, that may not really be a generational thing. Maybe it is just a matter of being different, about not fitting in with any particular group or population. While I have always been more of a critical, some would say mathematical, thinker I have always embraced the arts and thrived in a creative environment. I have always had the two sides of my brain functioning, and sometimes fighting, at the same time forcing me to embrace and reject certain generational characteristics.

The creative mind remains young while the critical mind has always been in a premature advanced age. Maybe that is why I have written things that are vibrant and optimistic at times while at other moments I have gone on long rants about various topics and opinions. But that is what you get with me. A struggle between the two sides of my mind and the views that they provide to form a perspective that is uniquely mine. Whether you like or not that is what you get.  

An Extra Hour

I'm starting this post in a random fashion by giving you the bird!

It may not be much to some and, in fact, it may be a hassle to others but having an extra hour this weekend has been a welcomed occurrence. Last year it was also a beneficial evening for a different reason as it meant an hour of overtime but this year it was simply a time for me to rest and the ability to get up an extra hour earlier this weekend.  Falling back was a means to fall back into a routine after a long and hectic week that had my body and mind divided between two completely different time zones.

However, weekends like this one can sometimes be the least productive times for me. After a particularly eventful week I am ready to just do nothing during my two day recuperation and that was exactly the rut that I fell into. I even put off writing this post until the very end of the day in the hope that I would turn the corner and get something done. But that was not happening and this weekend passed with only a short daytrip and a few blog posts written as the only things that were accomplished before a week that will consist mostly of making up for last week.

Even with an extra hour I still find myself asking where the day has gone. It seems like the hours, days, weeks, months seem to be going by so quickly that I am unable to keep up with them. Time and again I have to look at the calendar to make sure that it really is the day that I think it is or, as was the case a few days ago, that it really is November. Today, for instance, I found myself floored by the fact that I have been at my new job for just over a month now.

One more hour really doesn’t seem like much and over the course of the year it isn’t but for one day it allows us to fill that extra hour with whatever we want to do. Some of us sleep, some of us work, and some of us take the time to allow our minds to reset. Sometimes it is even a collection of all three. But this extra hour, like all hours, should not be taken for granted or forgotten. We may lose track of time but the memories and accomplishments contained in those minutes are what continues to reinvent our present. Today we got an hour of reinvention.

Hold On A Masonic Minute

So this week I officially began taking over some of the duties of the Secretary position at my lodge. Many of the brothers think I am a little nutty for my willingness to take on such a responsibility but I couldn’t be happier with my decision. While many of the younger members of the lodge are focused on making their way through the chairs there was really only one chair that I have found myself motivated to pursue and now I am getting the opportunity.

Many have approached me, especially those visiting during our stated and extra meetings, that the secretary is the one that really runs the lodge. This is both an exciting and daunting proposition moving forward. However it was not and still isn’t what motivates me to take on such a task but it got me thinking this week (actually the past several weeks) about the reasons why I have been so eager to take this position and after much thought I came to a couple of conclusions.

The real reasons for my excitement for the position is that I am eager to get involved and help in any way that I can and I feel that by taking on such an esteemed position I can do so not only now but throughout my time in the brotherhood. I have always been a proponent of putting forth all the effort you possibly can rather than just showing up for meetings every month. Work makes me happy and this certainly will bring a lot of happiness.

While that mentality has served me well in many of my endeavors there is another aspect of this position that was undeniably appealing to me. As secretary, I am going to be a part of the history of the lodge and part of countless family histories of my fellow brothers. It is my hand which will sign dues cards, update membership rolls, keep the minutes, sign Masonic Bibles, and contact the Grand Lodge. Being a part of that history is what pushes me to do the best job that I can do to ensure the continuity of the lodge and bridge the generations.

Knowing that in the future someone may be doing the same kind of genealogical research on their family that I have done on mine and find records that I was responsible for is an amazing feeling. Sometimes the best way to be remembered is by ensuring nothing is forgotten. That is a feeling that has only become stronger over time and one that I am sure will continue to motivate me even during those nights that I have to sacrifice in order to get the job done.

Memory is the greatest gift we have and being the keeper of memories as well as the record keeper for my family’s Masonic lodge is an honor that is hard to truly comprehend so early on. But, to say the least, it is a humbling honor that I am proud to accept. This is the real motivation in taking this position and this is just one of the ways that Freemasonry has made this man a better man.