Aliyahniversary

It was an interesting feeling seeing all of the social media posts earlier this week from friends that we made five years ago when my wife and I wove through the throngs of people at Ben Gurion Airport in Tel Aviv. Thankfully, many of those posts are about the wonderful life that they have found in the homeland, a life that just didn’t work out for us. I have written about this at great length in the past so I will spare you the diatribe but what it really comes down to is that it wasn’t meant to be. We didn’t know the reason at the time but in the years since, as G-d’s plan has been revealed to us, it has all made sense. But that doesn’t prevent the memories from flooding back when I see those joyous posts scrolling across my computer screen.

There was so much happen around us and so many plans that needed to be taken care of that the days immediately prior to our departure from the states are all blurred together with only a few quick glimpses of clarity. I recall being interviewed over the phone by a local New Jersey newspaper as I took a break from cleaning the rental while waiting for the landlord to arrive. I can still see my parents’ faces as we made our way through the airport and parted ways at security. And I can remember the palpable emotional eagerness that filled the El Al flight for the entire time that we were in the air.

When we landed, my wife and I remained in our seats not fully knowing how to process all of the emotions ready to erupt from within. A few bags in hand it was time for us to walk through the doors and into the thick Mediterranean air taking each step deliberately until finally our feet touched the ground, the Holy Land, now our home. It was with that last single step that we became Israelis. And when our shuttle arrived at the terminal, we were welcomed I the same way one would embrace a long lost family member with whom you were being reunited.

And in that crowd were a few people that we had gotten to know over the past few months through social media, mostly through twitter hashtags like #twitpacha and #twaliyah. Definitely a sign of the times, I guess you could say that we were part of the first #twaliyah flight. It is a unique experience that we all share… that singular moment in our lives lived as one people. So, I conclude by wishing everyone who was on that flight with us, especially those who remain in the homeland, a happy Aliyah anniversary! Here is to the next five years and I hope to see you all again soon!

Kind Words

Given the subject on which I wrote this past week, there was a bit of irony that played out tonight as I skimmed through the news. It is especially curious since it was only a couple of weeks ago that I did sit down and write a letter in the hope to reconnect with someone who had been so kind to me in the past. It wasn’t until long after the sun had set and our son was asleep in his bed when I learned about the passing of Elie Wiesel. As I read through the remembrances streaming across my computer, I couldn’t help but think about the moment when I received a letter in the mail with his name in the upper left hand side of the envelope.

While we had never met in person, I did correspond with this wonderful man in the past and I had been fortunate to receive his blessing regarding the poems that I originally wrote about Janusz Korzcak. Words that, while brief, carried the weight of the world and of history. At the time I had doubts about whether my writing was honoring the memories of those lost. I have never been one to rely on the approval of others to write but this is a subject and a project that was a completely different scenario. With a few simple sentences, I had the confidence to continue which resulted in the collection that I published this year, What Was Not Said: Echoes From The Holocaust.

What speaks volumes of his legacy is that my interaction with this great man is not a unique experience. He gave more of his time, his energy, his life not just to ensuring the permanence of memory but to the lives of others in pursuit of knowledge and understanding. Dr. Wiesel supported many of us, from near and far, in more ways than most could ever dream. Some were personal interactions while others only got to know him through his words printed on the pages in one of his fifty seven books, countless essays and articles, and numerous interviews and speeches. I consider myself to be one of the lucky ones to have corresponded with this righteous man.

And when we look back on the life of this great man, there is much that we can learn from not just his words but his actions. While he lived through unimaginable horrors, he chose to live with hope and kindness. He pursued the perpetuation of memory and ensured that it served as a means for achieving peace. He was a beacon for the world shining light not just into the darkness of the past but casting a warm glow on the possibilities of the future. Sometimes he would do this on a grand stage in front of thousands or on television in front of millions but also in a classroom in from of a mere dozens or in a conversation, a letter, a phone call one on one. This is why, for many reasons, I now say I will never forget!

Firearms Friday: From Tel Aviv To California

The news on Wednesday night was maddening and sad but, honestly, I can’t say that I was surprised. The reality of this world, especially in Israel, is that terrorist attacks are going to happen. I didn’t quite expect it to happen at this time, during Ramadan, but the fact remains that three shooters opened fire in a Tel Aviv market killing four people. Afterward there where a few reactions that also didn’t surprise me…

There was no widespread social media outpouring like that which we witnessed following other terrorist attacks in Europe or high profile shootings in the United States for that matter. Actually, there were a number of people and organizations beyond with the clear majority being those affiliated with Judaism or Israel in some way and the next closest, in the United States, being those of a more conservative nature.

Sadly, but again not surprisingly, the liberal media and various groups on the left either saw this as an opportunity to shame and blame Israel into conceding peace or, given the news coming out of California this week, use this as an opportunity to preach gun control through some delusional view of the situation and the world as a whole. And that this the real point that I am going to dwell on for a bit. Give me a minute while I collect myself….

The unfortunate state that this country finds itself in at the moment is that when there is a shooting somewhere in the United States or a well reported incident from around the world, the gun control storm troopers take to the internet, the television, the radio, and/or the podium and preach the flawed and unconstitutional “virtues” of gun control. It has gotten to the point that regardless of the facts of the incident, they celebrate the moment and seize the opportunity to politicize tragedy. They are perfectly happy to strip people of their rights and place the blame on an inanimate object while completely ignoring or dismissing the fact that the individual is responsible for what happened.

By and large, those same people react in the same manner when there is a terrorist attack in Israel as they, once again, seize the opportunity to berate Israel and use the recent incident as a “clear example” of why Israel must make peace. They are perfectly content in stripping Israelis of their security and blaming Israel for “creating this situation” while completely ignoring or dismissing the fact that the individual is responsible for what happened. Further they refuse to accept the reality that the Palestinian people take to the streets in celebration every single time this happens.

For the most part, we are now in a situation where Israel must defend herself and those of us here in the United States must defend ourselves. We both need to defend our right to live and our right to self-defense (despite the ruling in California). We must accept the guiding principle of personal responsibility and focus on the facts rather than accept the propaganda smeared across the headlines. We are Tel Aviv.

Looking Back On Independence Day

There is one day more than any other throughout the year that I miss being in Israel and sharing in the joy that the people of the country has to offer… Yom Ha'atzmaut. Every year I can’t help but think about all the people that we met and others that we got to know through the internet during our Aliyah experiment. Many of those people I am still in contact with to this day, nearly five years after the fact, and I enjoy seeing the lives that they have built for themselves in our homeland.

The images of that time remain vivid in my mind. While it seems but an instant in our lives, the moments are more ingrained in my being that many other that have happened before or since. I can recall the uneven stones along the sidewalk as we walked to old city. The warmth radiating from under our feet as the sun disappeared beyond the ancient hills.

I recall many of the moments of getting lost in the alleys and streets both in the daylight and well past the setting of the sun with only the faintest of sounds echoing between the buildings. However, most enduring are the moments when we were welcomed into the homes of others and into the community around us. While we didn’t fully process the companionship that was shared with us during those moments and meals, it is something that remains with me to this day. Only in Israel can you be welcomed in such a way.

Of course, what has become more poignant now is the memory of my wife and me sitting on a bench along King George Street discussion our return to the states. It was at this moment when we finally realized that we were ready to start a family. More accurately, with all the changes that were happening and things that were beyond our control, we realized that there was never going to be the perfect time and decided that it was time. In the end we were a little delayed but that was the moment when we made the decision to start a family.

However, and most will agree with this sentiment, there are two moments that supersede all others when I think of Israel. Both of these experiences were actually on our first trip to Israel during our honeymoon nearly seven years ago. They happened in relatively quick succession the first occurring when we turned the corner walking along the wall around old city (the Ramparts Walk) and saw the Kotel for the first time. We continued toward the wall wide eyes and when I laid my hand and head against the cool stone, the world disappeared around me. I will never forget that feeling.

So, on this Independence Day I celebrate the people, the land, the history, and the faith that makes Israel not just the Holy Land but our Homeland. And when we return it will be as a family and I hope to find that same bench where we had the discussion that would eventually result in our having a son. And, most importantly, I look forward to experiencing Jerusalem and Israel as a whole as a father and I can’t wait to introduce our son to his homeland. Am Yisrael Chai!

It Is Part Of Our Past, Present, And Future

Today was one of those holidays that I wish was unnecessary… it is a day that a hundred years ago was thought, for the most part, to be an unthinkable means by which to mark a calendar. Today, on Yom HaShoah, I thought about all those whom I’ve met, those I have yet to meet, and those I will never be able to speak to. Today we honored all of their memories and hope for a future where these events become impossibilities. Today we took the time to think and pray about the Holocaust, the people lost, the lives changed, the families that will never be the same, and our faith which survived.

While I am quite removed from the tragedy being that I was raised in another faith and a family history that, most recently, immigrated to the United States in the middle of the 19^th century, I am also closely tied to this time in history. At various points in my life, the Holocaust has played a prominent role in my perception of the world around me, the views that I have developed, and the faith that I have nurtured. The Holocaust, in many ways, is ingrained in who I am and the way I live my life. And it was further made an essential part of my being when my wife and I made Aliyah in 2011.

It all started when I was in college as I was trying to figure out who I was and what I believed (for the umpteenth time). When browsing through the book stacks I came across Janusz Korczak’s account of the Holocaust, Ghetto Diary. I was struck by the dedication he had to not only his children by to his faith. His words were the impetus for the Holocaust poetry I would spend the next several years writing (based on three different sources of primary material). His words changed my view of the world, focused my mind, and ignited my passion. These writings also afforded me the opportunity to speak with Holocaust survivors and former Nazi soldiers over the years… words can never compare to the knowledge gained by looking into the eyes of a witness.

A few years and many lessons later I was in the midst of my conversion to Judaism when my Rabbi (and later those Rabbi’s serving on my bet din) asked me if I was certain about my decision given the history of persecution that Jews have faced for centuries. It was at this time when I had to search in myself to find out whether I was willing to accept my fate should such an unspeakable event ever happen again. In the end, it is one thing to be knowledgeable about an event or a faith but it is a completely different matter when you accept that history and that possibility as your own. After numerous conversations and questions, I cast my lot and, from that moment forward, have been considered a Jew.

Finally, a few years ago while conducting genealogical research, my wife discovered her family’s connection to the Holocaust and found the names of those relatives who were murdered. Having no previous knowledge about this line, it was quite the shock when this discovery was made. While it was not my family line, it is a heritage to which I am now a part of and one that our son will definitely learn about as he gets older. We will ensure that he knows about our faith, our history, and our people… the trials in the past and the struggles in the present… the horrors that have happened and the hope that resides in our hearts. After all, it is our responsibility, beyond the confines of this particular day, to ensure that this part of our history is never forgotten.

The Last Words Of The Seder

This was the first time we saw the Jaffe Gate in Jerusalem in June 2009. 

The Passover holiday seems to have snuck up on me this year. We have yet to find a synagogue near us and I haven’t been on Facebook much lately so my awareness of the Jewish calendar is sorely lacking as of late. It is a process at times to keep track of everything and the last month it has been hard to keep track of anything except what needs to be done in the moment. It is almost antithetical to that which we celebrate during this holiday as we look to both the past and the future. For those of you who may be unfamiliar with the holiday, here is a great summary from Chabad.org:

After many decades of slavery to the Egyptian pharaohs, during which time the Israelites were subjected to backbreaking labor and unbearable horrors, G‑d saw the people’s distress and sent Moses to Pharaoh with a message: “Send forth My people, so that they may serve Me.” But despite numerous warnings, Pharaoh refused to heed G‑d’s command. G‑d then sent upon Egypt ten devastating plagues, afflicting them and destroying everything from their livestock to their crops.

At the stroke of midnight of 15 Nissan in the year 2448 from creation (1313 BCE), G‑d visited the last of the ten plagues on the Egyptians, killing all their firstborn. While doing so, G‑d spared the Children of Israel, “passing over” their homes—hence the name of the holiday. Pharaoh’s resistance was broken, and he virtually chased his former slaves out of the land. The Israelites left in such a hurry, in fact, that the bread they baked as provisions for the way did not have time to rise. Six hundred thousand adult males, plus many more women and children, left Egypt on that day, and began the trek to Mount Sinai and their birth as G‑d’s chosen people.

However, what really makes me wonder and forces me to think is the line with which we end the seder… “Next Year In Jerusalem!” Not only does it make me reflect on the story itself but also my own journey through life and it makes me wonder how things would have been different had we stayed, even just a little bit longer, in Jerusalem. And when I think of this I can’t help but hope that one day we will be able to share our love for Israel with our son. We want him to know the land, the people, the history, the meaning, and the heart of Israel. So, maybe, next year in Jerusalem.

Purim Hangover

Given all that has happened over the past month and the reminders that I feel every morning, the joy of Purim was a welcomed respite from the daily worries and work. Having taken the holiday off, I was able to finally take some time away from the office without anything that needed to be done during the day. While we have plans for future years marking the celebration of the day with our son and the community this year there were no such plans made. Right now, sometimes the greatest joy can be found in not having to do something or be somewhere.

However, we were able to take advantage of the day as my wife was also off from work and, for the first time in too long, we had a quite lunch. Just the two of us as we brought our son to the daycare that morning. Thankfully, the new sushi place that we had found was actually pretty good and we were able to relax for the afternoon just spending an uneventful meal together. We made sure to take separate cars to the restaurant so that I could run some errands (rarely do I have time to do these during the week) and my wife could pick up our son on time. Nice to have a few things done early so we aren’t running around throughout the weekend.

When I returned home our son eagerly scurried across the floor not expecting to see me for another few hours. That smile and that laugh still get to me. After washing up and holding our son for a few moments and giving him plenty of hugs, it was time to simply get on the floor and spend some time as a family. This is the pure joy that this day has brought to us. Obviously not in the usual way but it is the joy of family and the unconditional love for a child, an open willingness to give or give up anything for them, that drives the meaning of this day home.

Since then there has been a bit of a Purim hangover. While neither of us had to return to work the following day and our son was home with us, there is something different about the extra bonus time that we have together. Maybe it is because of the simple fact that I was personally reflecting on the holiday during the waking hours but it was a different day. This Purim, the freedom and joy of this day, is something that we can build upon and truly make the meaning and joy of this holiday a part of our son’s life and faith. Hopefully without the hangover.

Editing And Emailing

A couple of weeks ago I was making the final round of edits to my new book when I decided to do a quick search of my previous titles to see if they were still available for sale. Given the fact that this new volume would incorporate basically all of the previously published works I was going to pull the printing of the previous collections…. Don’t want multiple versions in the marketplace at the same time. Well, that was my original intent but it wasn’t what I found.

As it turns out, the publisher for my previous collection had gone under in the decade since my chapbook was put into print. I guess you could say that this issue was resolved much faster than expected. However, when I dug a little deeper, I did find a couple of websites that had scanned the contents and basically made the book available for digital download. This is not something that I approved or appreciated so I did some research and found the people with whom I needed to speak from the websites.

For those of you who may run into this issue of copyright infringement, here is the DMCA Notice letter that I sent:

To Whom It May Concern, 

My name is Sean and I am the author of Kaddish Diary. Your website, SAMPLE.net is infringing on at least one copyright owned by me.

A book was copied onto your servers without permission. The original book and poems, to which I own the exclusive copyrights, can be found at:

http://www.isbnsearch.org/isbn/1589983637

The unauthorized and infringing copy can be found at:

http://SAMPLE.net/kaddish-diary

This letter is official notification under Section 512(c) of the Digital Millennium Copyright Act (”DMCA”), and I seek the removal of the aforementioned infringing material from your servers and website. I request that you immediately notify the infringer of this notice and inform them of their duty to remove the infringing material immediately, and notify them to cease any further posting of infringing material to your server in the future.

Please also be advised that law requires you, as a service provider, to remove or disable access to the infringing materials upon receiving this notice. Under US law a service provider, such as yourself, enjoys immunity from a copyright lawsuit provided that you act with deliberate speed to investigate and rectify ongoing copyright infringement. If service providers do not investigate and remove or disable the infringing material this immunity is lost. Therefore, in order for you to remain immune from a copyright infringement action you will need to investigate and ultimately remove or otherwise disable the infringing material from your servers with all due speed should the direct infringer, your client, not comply immediately.

I am providing this notice in good faith and with the reasonable belief that rights I own are being infringed. Under penalty of perjury I certify that the information contained in the notification is both true and accurate, and I have the authority to act on behalf of the owner of the copyright(s) involved.

Should you wish to discuss this with me please contact me directly.

Regards,

Sean

Unfortunately, after sending off this request and continuing the search for some of the other books in which my work has been included, I found that Charles Fishman’s anthology, Blood to Remember: American Poets on the Holocaust, was also out of print due to the publisher discontinuing operations at the end of last year. I guess I chose the right time to work on the manuscripts that have been sitting on my computer for the last ten years. Stay tuned for details about this and other books that I am releasing to the masses this year!

One Day Makes A Difference

Even as I type these words and watch them appear on the screen I still can’t believe that it has already been a year since we met our son for the first time. Our lives changed in an instant and I can still remember the feeling of shock that originally hit me when my wife’s water broke. While I was able to pull myself together, collect most of our things, and drive us down the snow dusted highway to the hospital, that daze didn’t really lift until hours later when our son grabbed my finger for comfort as the nurse cleaned him off.

There are moments from that day, and from the week for that matter, that remain a little hazy having melded together in a jumbled memory but there are also moments, good and bad, that remain clear as if they only happened an hour or two ago. That is what makes this passage of time so unbelievable. And while there have been trying moments to be sure during this first year of parenthood, I wouldn’t never want to go back to the way things used to be. Being a father, sometimes even a good father, is what I enjoy most each and every day.

It has been an interesting year full of first experiences, difficult moments, and challenging situations. It has been a calendar full of change but one that has brought us to a great place in our lives. There have been the funny moments of dodging poo and casting wee rainbows, nurturing times when our son got sick or was overwhelmed during his growth spurts, and adorable moments when he would smile, laugh, or nuzzle in our arms. And the daily joy beaming from his face, some days it is more prevalent than others, is enough to make even the most difficult days disappear.

Of course, we also find ourselves in the unique position of celebrating and mourning at the same time. While our son’s birth and my mother-in-law’s passing technically happened on the same day, this is one of the times that I insist on going by the Hebrew calendar. By doing so our son's birthday, the 26th of Sh'vat, 5775, is separated from the date on which my mother-in-law passed away, 27th of Sh'vat, 5775. Having that single day of separation makes a huge difference at times. It is interesting how faith can be comfort in the most obscure ways in addition to the guidance that it provides during times of struggle.

However, while there are no trips to grandma’s house that our son will remember about growing up, he still knows his grandma and recognizes her in pictures. It hasn’t been easy but there is a bond between the two of them that we both wanted for our children long before our baby became a reality. We didn’t plan on it happening this way but the important thing is that they are connected, our son knows his grandma, and his laugh when he sees her picture eases just a little bit of the pain from that day.

And this is just one of the many ways that our son continues to change how we look at life and the world. At times he has been our sole reason for happiness but mostly he has provided us with the love that permeates every moment of life and makes us remember that the love is what we always need to remember. Whether someone is here or not, the love remains. As I have said before, I will forever be thankful for that gift which our son has given us.

It is a complicated day, couple of days actually, but one that comes down to the most simple of statements… Happy 1^st Birthday my adorable baby boy! Mommy and daddy love you!

Binding The Blog(s)

A couple of weeks ago I received an interesting email through my blog account (see the “Contact Me” tab on the right for my email address). As I read through the contents I did so with some trepidation as to the validity of what was being offered. I have gotten countless emails before making similar claims but there was always a catch when I would ask for a few more details. This time was different.

As it turns out, there is a small publishing company in Germany that specializes in publishing books by Israeli and Diaspora writers about Jewish life. They had come across my old blog, From Goy To Oleh, and had also read a few posts on this current blog as well. I guess they liked what they read because I was being offered a publishing deal. It is great to have this feeling again since it has been over a decade since my last book was published (the poetry publisher has since ceased operation) and I have been wanting to pursue this endeavor once again in the coming year (this seems to be a goal made annually).

Now I once again have the opportunity to pursue another one of my passions which has been dormant for so many years. And while there are other volumes that I hope to put into print through other publishers over the next few years, this is definitely a great start and the perfect way to get back into the world that I have been absent from lately. This book will comprise of my various posts about our Israel journey, our return, and other aspects of Jewish life that I have written about on occasion. It will be interesting going through all of these posts again and compiling them into a single volume.

This is the first book in my return to publishing. As I pull these posts together I will also be revisiting my master’s thesis, my full length collection of Holocaust poetry, and seeing who might be interested in turning this work into a bound collection. After that I will see if I have produced enough content to publish some family history… I am not sure that there is enough written at the moment but, maybe, by the time this first project reaches completion there may be sufficient content. Beyond these projects, it would be nice to finally flesh out some of the outlines for novels that I have stored on my computer as well as the children’s book that is still in need of illustrations.

But, for now, it is one step at a time. While I have no idea where I am going to find the hours to get this done while working and continuing my other writing projects, I am certain that I can get this done. In the meantime, I would be happy to start a list of those of you that may be interested in purchasing the book when it does come out. Obviously, I am not taking any money at this point but this would allow me to update you as to when it will be published as well as the final price. On all accounts, I will definitely keep you all posted.

It’s Official, We’re Exotic Now!

Maybe this is what we will put on the doors next year...

One of the interesting things that we are finding in the new area where we have chosen to live is the fact that there are very few Jews around us. It actually made finding the house during Hanukkah really easy because all someone had to do was look for the only house on the street with a Menorah (Hanukiah technically) in the window. Although, you might be a little confused if you walk up to our door as there is a wreath decorated with mini Magen David on it (thanks mom). Of course, we knew what we were getting into when we decided to move out here so the fact that we are clearly in the minority really doesn’t bother us.

It is actually kind of interesting when I think about the different places we have lived. In Jerusalem it was assumed that we were Jewish and, most of the time, the same can be said about our time in Brooklyn. In Bala Cynwyd we were members of a clear majority in the area and in Metuchen and Chesterbrook we were part of a pretty even mix. Even in Chester Springs there were a number of Hanukkah houses around us but, at that point, the percentage was pretty low. Now, we are one of very few families in the area with a Mezuzah on the doorpost.

We are so far removed from the Jewish communities that our son’s daycare asked us to come in and talk about Hanukkah. Being such a small minority it is pretty safe to say that we are no longer seen as simply Jewish but as some exotic family… and we are fine, and entertained, by that fact. So far, those with whom I have spoken to in the area, especially this time of year, have sincere questions about our faith and hang on to every word in our responses. And this is without us talking about the fact that we are Israeli too.

Obviously, there are other Jews in the area but it has been entertaining thus far being the token Jews in the neighborhood. And as we try to find a local synagogue in the area (local meaning 20+ minutes away) I am curious to see if others have had the same experience. But, what has been important to us here is that our beliefs are ancillary to people getting to know us… the only reason the subject came up was because of the time of year. While being a Jew is an important part of us it is not the only thing that defines us and here we are finding that to be how people look at us.

Prayers, Candles, and Presents

A couple of nights ago we started Hanukkah a little early. Over the last month we had bought a few too many toys for our son so we figured we would begin part of the evening routine a couple of days prior. He didn’t really know what to make of it but he was happy with what we got him and seeing that smile made the few extra dollars seem like the bargain of the century. After all, this is his first Hanukkah and we want to make it a little more special so we have tried to make it as fun as possible while setting the ground work for a new holiday tradition.

We are starting this tradition as a family… just the three of us this year. Throughout the weekend, my wife and I made enough brisket to last for the eight nights and we made sure, beginning tonight, to light the candles with the proper blessings. It is only after the candles are lit, which our son seems to enjoy in and of itself, when we go back into the office closet and pull out the next toy for our son to play with. Reading the transliteration in front of our son know that, at one point I could read the Hebrew, reignited my desire to learn this beautiful language.

There is something calming about slowing down for a few moments, reading the prayers, and carefully lighting each candle. It really allows all three of us to just be in the moment while we enjoy our faith as a family. This followed by the happiness in our son’s face as he played with the toys (and the boxes that they came in) are really what makes this a special time of year and I look forward to sharing with him more and more about the holiday and the significance that it holds.

Of course, there is also another fun part of the evening as I was able to hide the small gifts that I have been accumulating over the past several weeks from my wife. Well, most of them are small. While the vast majority were clearance finds or daily deals, I was also able to find something that I had been meaning to get for her for some time now. Thankfully the camera that I was looking at went on sale and I was able to stay within budget. So now, each night, we will have images to accompany our memories and, most importantly, I might have made up, at least a little bit, for my mistakes during her birthday.

And now, with the candles having long since faded, and my wife and son sleeping, I am sitting here writing this and looking forward to the rest of the Hanukkah holiday. I am so glad that we are able to have this experience throughout the week and I can’t wait to see the smiles every evening. And, just think, it only gets better from here.

Questions And Prayers

Yom Kippur, the holiest day of the year in the Jewish calendar, is also the most difficult for many of us. It is a time when we ask for forgiveness both from G-d and from man. This year, I continue to plea for G-d’s forgiveness and I do my best to come to terms with any wrongs that I have committed against others. However, I am left going in circles at time when it comes to asking for forgiveness from others. It has been a difficult year and one that has proven rather treacherous when it comes to following my heart and what I believe to be right.

There are many instances in my life, not just during the past year, when I have held fast to my beliefs, opinions, and decisions. I believe them in my heart to be the right thing to do. I have remained true to myself, my family, and, in many instances, it has been the best option for others as well. Some would see these situations, sometimes even those who find themselves on the other end, to be something I should apologize for or, more appropriately given the time of year, ask them for forgiveness.

The issue I have is for what should I ask for their forgiveness? I really have no idea. Could things have been handled differently or written in a more delicate manner? Yes, but then I wouldn’t be truthful to myself or honest in my dealings with others. Could I have chosen to not say anything? Yes and no. It would have avoided, at least momentarily, certain situations but, again, that would have been dishonest. And I wouldn’t have been doing everything in my power to protect my family.  

Should I apologize for my opinions? No. I may not like the opinions that many others have but I don’t expect them to apologize to me for sharing their views. This “offended by anything and everything that doesn’t fit into my small world view” syndrome is tiresome and I will not abide by nor cater to those afflicted by this mentality.

Can I forgive everyone? Heck no. This is the most difficult question and the one, this year, with the most emphatic response. I can forgive most people and I can come to terms with many situations in my life. However, there are moments and situations that will forever be seared in my mind. To say I can forgive every person who ever wronged me would require me to lie. I can’t do it. I am many things, some good and some bad, but I will not try to deceive G-d by saying that I am able to forgive everyone this year.

So, in the end, I guess the one I should really be asking for forgiveness from is G-d. I ask to be forgiven for the fact that there are times when I question your motives, the moment when I have been flat out angry at what you have allowed happen, and more instances than I would like to admit when I have strayed from your words. I ask to be forgiven for the harm that I may have caused others by being honest and doing my best to protect myself and my family. And I plea for forgiveness because I am unable to forgive all those who have wronged me and my family.

However, I ask for peace for both those whom I am unable to forgive and those who feel entitled to something other than the above. And I pray that we, as a family, grow closer to G-d, continue to see His hand in the beauty of the world that surrounds us, and trust His plan for us even when it doesn’t make a lick of sense in the moment. And I pray for the time, for another year of life, to grow and love and find the peace to one day forgive.  

A New Year, A New Perspective, A New Prayer

I am both happy and sad to see this year come to a close and the next one begin. There have been some great times of celebration and also moments that I wish we could forget. It has been a year of polar opposites that has left many of us tired and longing to begin anew… to have a fresh start… to enjoy another chance at seeing the calendar change with only joy filling the previous months. Next year, I hope.

Interestingly, the Rosh Hashanah holiday contains the same paradox as that which I feel when looking back over the year. As is posted on the Aish website:

“The holiday of Rosh Hashanah contains a paradox. On the one hand, we are taught that Rosh Hashanah is the judgment day of mankind. The righteous are granted another year of life, the wicked are slated for destruction, and the average are given until Yom Kippur to mend their ways and merit another year (Talmud Rosh Hashanah 16b).

“We should be begging G-d for another year of life in the hope we can influence our judgment for the better. G-d’s court is convened. Our books are open. This is our big chance to pray for life.”

In addition to restarting the relationships we have for others through the admission of our faults, sins, and wrongdoings, we also make the same plea to G-d for forgiveness. While I can’t honestly say that I am one to give a clean slate to some people, I do my best to admit my mistakes and try my hardest to move past the wrongdoings of others. This is definitely easier said than done.

However, one of the things that has become more apparent to me over this past year in general and over the past couple of weeks in particular is the need that we have, my wife and I, to reconnect with G-d and the Jewish community in general. We need to do this not just for ourselves but, more importantly, for our son. We want him to know the world and his creator, we want him to understand and embrace all the aspects of faith, family, love, and life that make him who he is and make him such a precious gift in this world. After all…

“The purpose of the world is that mankind recognizes G-d and makes the world a reflection of His glory. G-d judges each of us on Rosh Hashanah not just based on our deeds, but based on how much we were a part of that grand mission. By identifying with and praying for G-d’s kingship to be revealed, we demonstrate that we want to be a part of the world’s purpose. We restart our relationship with G-d and redevote ourselves to Him. True, we might not have been perfect this past year, but we know what the world is about and we want to be a part of it. We want another year of life. We want to make the world a better place.”

Basically, I want him to not have the long list of things at the end of the year for which to ask for forgiveness like his father. I want him to not only have every opportunity in life but the confidence, conviction, faith, love, and support to take advantage of those opportunities. I want him to forever be a gift unto the world regardless of the path he chooses to take in life. I just want him to be a better man than I have thus far proven to be in this life and not look back with the same regrets. This is what I hope this and every new year brings.

Embracing Gifts

Today is a day that is especially significant for us not just as Jews but as new parents as well. Today we celebrate the giving of the Torah on Mt. Sinai. In the midst of the long struggle in the desert, G-d spoke to Moses and gave the gift of His words and wisdom to those who accept his covenant. We were given light and guidance during a time when we needed it. Similarly, our son granted that same gift to us giving us a higher purpose in our life.

On this day we are not just celebrating our faith but we are celebrating and embracing our family as well. It doesn’t matter if it is an event that took place over 3,300 years ago or 3 months ago, there are moments that will forever impact and influence our lives. These moments are what determine the means by which we live and set forth the goals by which we measure the remaining days or our lives.

We embrace our faith, the Torah, and the Ten Commandments by which we should all live. They serve as a means to guide and inform our actions and grant us the ability to set forth a clear set of rules to pass on to our son. Of course, this is only a beginning to the faith and knowledge which we hold in our hearts. This enduring faith, in various levels of observance throughout our lives, is what keeps us grounded in the knowledge that there is a higher power in this world and we can’t control everything around us.

Our son also reminds us every day that we must take life by the moments… one after the other. While we can anticipate and stick to certain routines, there is still a lot that remains uncontrollable. Our child is the light that greets us each and every day and reminds us of the higher purpose that we now have in our life. Our child is what ties us closer to our faith than ever before and on this holiday, on Shavuot, there is no denying the impact that our son has had and will continue to have in our life. This is summed up perfectly by the following from Chabad.org:  

“Before G d gave the Torah to the Jewish people, He demanded guarantors. The Jews made a number of suggestions, all rejected by G d, until they declared, “Our children will be our guarantors that we will cherish and observe the Torah.” G d immediately accepted them and agreed to give the Torah.”

There is tremendous light in the world. Enough to illuminate the beauty of all that has been given to us but not enough to blind us from seeing the bounty. It is a light that must be fed and nourished to remain bright for fear of fading into darkness. As Jews, as parents, we are the temporary generational guardians of that light and we will do our part to feed the fire of faith and family in our son. There is no greater responsibility or honor in this gift we call life.

Passover: Past, Present, And Future

It is that time of year when the holidays converge. While Christians throughout the world celebrated Good Friday yesterday and will be celebrating Easter tomorrow, Jews are delving into the Torah and recounting our escape from Egypt. All of the basic information about the Passover holiday can be found in my post last year and some reflections can also be found immediately following that post. However, this Passover is quite different than those in the past.

This year I find myself thinking not just about the past but also about the present and future. This is our son’s first Passover and while he isn’t completely aware of all that is taking place it is a moment that my wife and I are enjoying. While in the past the holiday has been to remind ourselves and fulfill our needs, now we find ourselves the bearers of tradition and faith. We are the ones that will pass along and tell these stories to our son.

It all starts with the seder but goes well beyond a single night. With that in mind I wanted to share a few pieces from a blog written by Rabbi Chaim Coffman whom I had the pleasure of meeting during our brief time living in Jerusalem. He was a great reassuring resource at that time and his posts continue to provide tremendous guidance for all who come across his blog:

The purpose of the seder is to retell the story of the exodus from Egypt and instill in us the idea that G-d interferes and plays a role in history. As the first of the Ten Commandments tells us we know G-d exists because He took us out of Egypt! The mitzvah to believe in G-d comes from this command but the belief in G-d is through knowledge, not just a flippant "I believe" based on nothing…

…Another idea to keep in mind as the Haggadah tells us is that had G-d not taken us out, we would still be there. This is incredulous because the ruling power in every nation has power for a certain amount of time but then it eventually ends either through military takeover or through elections. If that is true, could it possibly be true that the Jewish people would never have escaped?

The commentaries tell us that according to nature it could not have happened. When G-d tells Moshe to go to Egypt and take the Jewish people out, he refuses. One of the reasons he does not want to go is because when he looks up to heaven, he sees an angel of G-d and an angel of Egypt (each nation has their own guardian angel) intertwined like a double helix and understood that the Jewish people would never be allowed to leave.

G-d tells him that in essence that may be true but since G-d can do anything, He will take the Jewish people out from Egypt through miracles that are above nature. As we go through the plagues, we realize just how true that is!

At the same time, the Haggadah tells us that only G-d did this, not through an angel, intermediary..i.e. to show G-d's power and demonstrate that the world power at that time was utterly destroyed through the miraculous plagues that G-d brought about against the mighty Egyptians.;

If we look at history, the Jewish people have survived against the natural world. As they have been dispersed without their own land for thousands of years, it is nothing short of unbelievable how they have survived! We have been exiled, gassed, had pogroms against us. and still the Jewish people continue to survive.

They survived through belief in G-d and His Torah and continue to thrive. May we take these timely messages and let them infuse in us belief in Him that will lead to the Messiah coming speedily in our days!!

May each and every one of us have a enjoyable and meaningful Passover.

In the end, while we certainly have influence over our own destiny we can’t forget the influence that G-d plays in our lives. It is a great comfort knowing that the hardships we face are temporary and that the joy we experience will stay with us forever. That deep faith and belief in G-d is what we share with our son. After all, he is G-d’s gift to us and we thank Him each day for our child. 

What’s In A Name?

One of the hardest if not the hardest decision that my wife and I have had to make was when we had to come up with a name for our son. We went back and forth countless times and consulted more books and websites than I can recall each time writing down anything that appealed to us. We couldn't decide between choosing a traditional Jewish name and those names that can be found in our extensive family trees. After we each wrote a few options down we would share with one another. This eliminated many of the options. More still were eliminated when we considered the names of some of our young relatives.

After several months going back and forth we had a few options both of first names and middle names, Jewish names and family names, some that we both really liked and others that had a certain amount of indifference with one or both of us. About a week before our son arrived we sat down and looked at the options that we both liked. We played around with the names switching between first and middle as well as family and non-family names. We also considered some of the surnames on my wife’s side for the middle name… after all it has worked for me.  

I guess there were about 5 first and 5 middle names that it came down to. Not being able to figure out what exactly fit our son we both took turns just saying them out load to see what sounded right. This is when we notice something very special. Each time we read the names our son decided to cast his vote. It didn’t matter whose voice, he consistently kicked, punched, or head butted when we would say each name… one first and one middle. Not many parents can say that their son chose his own name but we can.

His first name is one that runs throughout both sides of my family. When looking throughout the tree I see it across many branches with various surnames in tow: Teaford, Hallman, Uttley, Redcross, Cooke, Clapsaddle, Ardis, Noblit, and a few others. It runs throughout the generations and it has always been a family name. In addition to the recent significance and honor that the name carries it was also the name of my great great grandfather Uttley, a member of the Philadelphia Police Department for over 50 years, who raised my grandmother after her parents divorced. My 5^th great grandfather Redcross, member of the Monacan Nation and Revolutionary War soldier. My great grandfather Hallman who served in WWI. My 5^th great grandfather Noblit, one of the early residents of Middletown Township in Delaware County who saw much of his property seized during the Revolution.

With our son selecting his first name from my side his middle name had to be one of significance in my wife’s family. Thankfully our son agreed and chose a name which, according to what I have been told is the name of the last in a long line of Rabbis on my wife’s side. My wife’s great grandfather Greenburg may have passed nearly a decade before she was born but his legacy still lives to this day. Born in Romania and having come to the United States around the turn of the 20^th century as a child, he supported his family the best he could and raised my wife’s grandmother whom she still misses. In the end, our son chose names from the men who raised both of our grandmothers to which we were very close. He also made picking a Hebrew name really easy. 

So some many see it and wonder how we came up with the name and we have been asked that many times over. We did consider the origins of the names (which did seem to fit our son) but the family meaning behind them is far more significant. While we have both given the short answer during the course of conversations, now you have the full story behind the name. Our son has a part of each of us, myself and my wife, but more importantly he carries with him a long family history on both sides of which he can be proud and all he has to do to remember that is look at his own name.

Can You Smell The Hamentashen?

I just realized earlier today as I was thinking about this post that I haven’t written about Purim for a few years. The last time I wrote about this joyous Jewish holiday was at a completely different point in my life as my wife and I were in the midst of the Aliyah process. Obviously there were different things on my mind and events surrounding our life but much of the post remains relevant even with things having changed so drastically over the years.

In fact, it is rather poignant given the speech that we heard yesterday and what is happening in the region as I write these words. So instead of trying to write the same thing over again, I am simply going to include most of that blog content below. After all, we still need to make some noise!

The joyous, and sometimes raucous, celebration is a community act. No one acts alone. Everyone works together and supports each other, to turn the voices of many into one to make one collective noise.

However, beyond these community gatherings of support and joy, the voice of the Jewish people is shattered. I am not talking about the differences between the Reform, Conservative, Orthodox, etc. communities but of a more fundamental and deeper chasm… supporting Israel.

Purim is a time when we should recognize what we can do as a people. We can’t just sit around and stuff ourselves with Hamentashen, we must rally to support our homeland, we must speak with one voice, we must stomp our feel and blot out the accusations being made against our home. Whether it is by writing, by praying, by making Aliyah, make your voice heard!

We all need to regularly show our admiration for those who live in the land that G-d has granted to us, support for those in the IDF who protect us and defend our right to exist as a people and our right to a homeland, and respect for the holy men who pray for us all and carry on the traditions that many take for granted.

We live many different kinds of lives but we are one people with one home. We all want peace and we will all fight for peace because no one should live in a home being torn apart by conflict or partitions. We must ensure that we will not be cast out into the Diaspora again to be gripped with the longing to return and the inability to do so. We need to ensure that we and all our future generations have a place to call home! We need to make some noise!

Fulfilling The Mitzvah

Last night the snow and ice descended upon us covering everything in a frigid tapestry devoid of color. This was the landscape to which we woke today, the perfect clean slate by which our son to start his life as a member of the tribe. However, just like the faith that he has been born into, sometimes there are unseen trials that are cause for caution. Just outside our front door was a pristine shell of crystal clear ice. We took our time and made it out the door later than we had expected but we were safe and that is what really mattered.

After a quick stop at my parent’s house to pick up some backup, we made our way into center city Philadelphia and arrived at my father-in-law’s apartment about 20 minutes behind schedule. Family and friends were already packed into the place and overflowing into the hallway when we arrive and before we could make our way to the middle of the crowd the mohel (who was the mohel for my conversion) whisked us away to the back bedroom to make sure that we (including our son) were prepared for the experience that was about to follow.

For those of you who are not familiar, the mohel is the person in the Jewish faith who performs the mitzvah of brit milah, the covenant of circumcision, which was commanded by G-d to Abraham over 3,700 years ago. While rushed to begin, the mohel took his time during the ritual and made sure that our son was brought into the covenant the way that it should be done. After all, you don’t want a mohel to cut any corners.

While the act itself is something that is difficult to see, especially when it is your own son, it is also an incredibly moving moment for both the parents and the grandfathers. This is the moment that our son became a child of Israel. It was a moment that I will never forget and one that I am glad I was able to share with my family. Following the performance of this sacred mitzvah, our son was given his Hebrew name, Yonatan Yitzhak. This is a name that was easy for us to decide but one that also carries great meaning which I will write about in a future post.

The morning continued with our son a little sleepy and tipsy from the Manischewitz he was given before, during, and after the brit. The rest of us reveled in the glory and holiness of the mitzvah that had just taken place. Of all the moments and experiences that I have had within my chosen faith this, by far, is the one that carried with it the most meaning and made me feel closer to G-d. Our son was now a Jew just like his mommy and daddy.  

Tu B’Shevat: Celebrating New Life

I’ve always found it interesting that during the darkest time of the year when the trees seem lifeless under a snowy and icy veneer that we celebrate Tu B’Shevat. Of course, this is the view from the diaspora when many of these seemly oddly placed holidays reflect the life and vibrancy of the homeland. As Chabad.org summarizes:

Tu B’Shevat, the 15th of Shevat on the Jewish calendar—celebrated this year on Wednesday, February 4, 2015—is the day that marks the beginning of a “new year” for trees. This is the season in which the earliest-blooming trees in the Land of Israel emerge from their winter sleep and begin a new fruit-bearing cycle.

Legally, the “new year” for trees relates to the various tithes that are separated from produce grown in the Holy Land. These tithes differ from year to year in the seven-year shemittah cycle; the point at which a budding fruit is considered to belong to the next year of the cycle is the 15th of Shevat.

We mark the day of Tu B’Shevat by eating fruit, particularly from the kinds that are singled out by the Torah in its praise of the bounty of the Holy Land: grapes, figs, pomegranates, olives and dates. On this day we remember that “man is a tree of the field” (Deuteronomy 20:19), and reflect on the lessons we can derive from our botanical analogue.

The fascinating thing that we have to remember when these holidays come around is that they are celebrating the Jewish homeland. This is what draws our thoughts and prayers to Israel. They are subtle reminders that no matter where we are in this world we all focus or faith and our being on one central holy land. Today, which began at sunset this evening, we celebrate the bountiful land that not only sustains our bodies but also our minds and our spirit.

However, this year I can see the season of new life in a very personal way as our son is nearly ready to join us. It is during these cold months that he has grown so much and developed quite the personality as he insists on playing with his mom and dad and responding to our voices more than ever before. The trees may seem dormant here but our baby is fully embracing this holiday by not just beginning a new year but beginning a new life. At some point in his life we will be sure to show him this land to which we are so strongly connected.