The Night Before

The small memorial at Orange County Choppers. 

I have little recollection regarding the night before 9/11/01. I remember that the semester was just getting started and that I had class early the next morning. I know that I was preparing for a trip into the city for the ASVAB and that I was working on scheduling a meeting with the President of the college to discuss starting an ROTC partnership with Southern New Hampshire University (a partnership was later formed with MIT). I can also faintly recall hearing the sounds of the Giants’ Monday Night Football game coming from a dorm room a few feet away but there is little else that my memory possesses.

Overall, it was just another cool New England night with the biggest concern of those around me was starting off the year right and making sure that they got to class on time the following morning. When I woke up on Tuesday morning I didn’t hear anything out of the ordinary and I went about the early morning preparing for class and taking a slow walk to the Academic Building. It really was a beautiful beginning to the day with only a few thin clouds in the sky, a light breeze coming off of the bay, and the temperature remaining crisp and comfortable.

When I walked through the doors and glanced up at the television perched in the corner I could see that something was going on but didn’t really take the time to watch and process what was transpiring. I was running a little behind getting to class but managed to get there by 8:50am, there was little else on everyone’s mind and the conversation quickly lead to an early dismissal about 5 minutes later. As I retraced my steps back through the building, I once again looked up at that same television just as the second plane struck the South Tower.

This is when we all knew that this wasn’t simply an accident and as the news and speculation streamed across the screen I quickly pulled out my cell phone and called my dad to make sure that his meeting at the World Trade Center the day before didn’t carry over into the morning. Thankfully, it seems as though I was one of the last to place a successful call as cell phone service was nearly nonexistent by the time I got back to my dorm room and turned on the news. As Peter Jennings shuffled through the information we all turned up the volume of our televisions and walked outside to try and catch our breath. And as the fighter jets screamed above our heads low enough to read the warnings on the underbelly of the planes, we could hear the reports come in that the first tower had collapsed.

The rest of the week remains absent from memory as days seemingly condensed into seconds while minutes felt like weeks. Fifteen years later and I still have those memories etched in my mind. And I am sure that fifteen years from now they will remain as vivid as they are today.  

Mortgage Monday: An Extra Day To Assess

Well, our next mortgage payment was delayed by an extra day as we have a bonus 24 hours this month. While usually not something to write about the warm weather lately has made this extra time particularly enjoyable especially with nearly all of the remaining snow melting in the spring like air. As the white lines have receded I have been noticing the work that has yet to be done on the property as well as the yard chores that I failed to complete before the bitterness of the winter season took hold.

Walking around the driveway I can see that the retaining wall is a little more deteriorated than I originally realized but it is still holding back the earth. Thankfully, we have some time before the rotting railroad ties are going to have to be replaced. Good thing I know a stone mason living next door. Of course, the leaves wedged against the base of the wall are not helping the situation. As soon as the weather turns toward the regularity of spring I am going to have to do some significant clearing.

That clearing doesn’t just apply to the base of the wall as the flower beds and much of the lawn still has a health covering of foliage. While we already have a rake I am going to have to pick up the lawnmower attachment and switch out the snow blower. With all these things that need to be done in the near future I kind of wish that we could put this extra day in the bank and use it for when we need it especially if we could do so to extend a weekend.

However, some of the good things that I have definitely noticed during this extra time is that even with all the snow piled by the wind against the house, the basement has remained dry. Noisy with the boiler switching on and off all day and night by dry nevertheless. With that said, there are a few spots that also need to be addressed on the subterranean level as the sealant is showing signs of age in spots and a fresh coating should be applied before the monsoons of spring.

There are always projects that will need to be done… we accepted this fact when we decided to become home owners and at least there are many items that aren’t dire and that can wait a little while for when we have the time. Heck, they are probably going to be taken care of when we have all the optional work done on the house. Now that list is one that is growing much faster than that of the mandatory fixes.

TMI Tuesday: Holiday Hangover

Having spent the last week and a half at home with my wife, it was quite the change yesterday when we put our son in the car and had him spend the day at daycare. While he has been getting up at the same time regardless of the plans for that particular day, the morning routine was a little more hectic than it had been the previous week which didn’t really phase our son as he continued to take his time savoring every breakfast Cheerio. By the time we got his coat on, he knew that we were going back to our usual routine and he actually seemed to be okay with the switch.

Heading out in the morning wasn’t that much of a change as we try to get him out of the house regularly. However, when he is home all day, he works at a much more leisurely pace when it comes to eating. He tends to pick for at least 30 minutes rather than simply shoving food into his mouth as fast as he can (the only exception to this would be his Gerber tropical fruit melts). While we did head out the door a little later than we wanted (I know, what a shock) we were at least able to speed him up a little bit and I guess you could say meet in the middle.

We are very lucky in that our son enjoys being at daycare and enjoys being social in general. Of course, he also likes being with mommy and daddy so by the end of the day we had to make sure to give him a little more attention than usual so that he could get his fix before bed. This can sometimes be an issue if he either goes to bed early or his daddy has to be out late but I am usually there to play with him and hold him a little bit before he begins his evening procedures.

There was a bit of a hiccup yesterday with his sleep (or lack thereof to be more accurate) but that will return to normal over time. So we are back to our normal schedule and thankfully it was a pretty smooth transition that first day. Hopefully things continue and he sleeps a little better during day two. Sometimes, transitions just take time and we have to be a little more patient until we can shake the holiday hangover and get used to the old daily routine.

Two Years Since The Night Was My Day

While there certainly have been a lot of changes that have happened over the past year, both good and bad, the difference between our lives two years ago versus what it is now is even more staggering. In addition to moving to a new place, two years ago I was still working the night shift at our old apartment building. It was about this time in 2013 when I handed in my two week notice and prepared for the long days ahead working two jobs during this important transition. The next day, October 2, 2013, I started with my current employer and haven’t looked back since.

Not only was this a moment that restarted my career, it was a time that marked the end of what was a rather difficult period for me and my wife as we had spent the previous year and a half just trying to get by as we both worked for an hourly wage while trying to find the time to spend together. We had to just put our heads down and work trying to get enough money to pay bills and cover living expenses. Of course, with our finances so tight it also meant that we accrued some debt (to put it lightly). Things began to change once I rejoined the daytime workforce.

The past two years at my new company have been tremendous. While my initial thought heading into the job was that it was going to be a great place to work and advance my career, I really had no idea what to expect or whether I would be able to shake off the rust and get my career moving again. It was a bit of a challenge the first few days but I was surprisingly able to get things moving again rather quickly. And it was a good thing as those first few months getting the company up and running was both trying and rewarding at the same time. By the end of the first six months I was starting to feel completely comfortable once again and just in time for my review and promotion.

Since then it has been both a lot of work and also tremendously rewarding to watch the company grow. Some things happen for a reason and being out of the industry so long is now paying dividends in my being able to work where I do. It has been a great relief to have a career again that I enjoy and working for a company that sees all of us as a family rather than just a name on an account. I am looking forward to the next year, two years, and decades after that.

TMI Tuesday: Waiting For Daddy

One of the things that I didn’t think about when I decided on my new car was the sound that it makes when I lock it after getting home at night. It is a rather inconsequential attribute and I frankly didn’t car but I wasn’t thinking about how that sound was associated with my return home. With the Malibu, my son had gotten used to the sound it made when I locked the car. He knew that I was home when he heard the noise. Thankfully, the Cherokee makes a very similar sound.

While there are many nights when my car gives away my arrival, there are a several evenings when he is oblivious to my walking through the front door. This is usually the case when he is fussing or sleeping. If he is awake, as soon as he hears my voice he begins looking around trying to find me. It is quite the cute sight. Once he sees me, his eyes brighten and he gives me a big smile (unless he is particularly grumpy that day). I don’t care what kind of day I have had up until then, it is a good day from that point forward.

Because she sees this every work day, this kind of annoys my wife. However, this past weekend I was able to be on the other end of the situation as I watched our son during the day while my wife ran some errands that she had been meaning to get to. Our son was not happy to see his mommy leave but I was able to keep him active and occupied while she was gone. As soon as I heard her pull up and lock the car, I let our baby know, and the search began. As soon as she walked through the door and he turned his head, the same bright eyed smile surfaced.

So I guess we are doing okay so far. Our son looks forward to seeing each of us and misses his mommy and daddy when they have to go out for a while. It makes me think about how hard it is going to be when we put him in daycare and, down the road, when we send him off to school. At the same time, I can still look forward to that smile and the ensuing cooing when we are reunited at the end of the day. That is, of course, if I don’t screw up between now and then.

Frequent Errands

One thing that has definitely increased both since we found out about our son’s arrival and since his birth is the number of errands that we have to run. This is pretty much on a daily basis as there is always one thing or another that we have to pick up, drop off, exchange, or just get more information as well as a plethora of appointments. And it really doesn’t matter how well prepared you think you are, there is always that one essential item that is missing from your stockpile of baby stuff.

I do my best to take care of most of these things, so long as they can wait until the end of the work day when I am on my way home, but, for the most part, my wife is the one that has to run back and forth trying to get everything done during the day. This would be hectic enough if it was just her but adding the preparation and logistics needed to get the baby ready and out the door adds to both the length of the commitment and the energy it takes to get some of these seemingly simple things done. I don’t know where she finds the energy but, somehow, she is managing to get all of the constant errands done.

All of these small time and energy consuming trips during the day are something that we tried to prepare for but, in the end, we weren’t expecting. While no one thing in particular is consuming the hours in our days, all of these small trips have added up. Some days more than others and overall having a huge impact on our schedules. Hopefully things will calm down a bit in the coming months but we are definitely not holding our breaths for that.

This is why I have been trying to stick to a more consistent schedule at work. In the past, my departure from the office has been fairly open ended. There were some nights when I would get back home well past eight and sometimes long after 10. Now I am doing my best to get home by 7 while trying to walk through the door around 6:30. This allows me to both get some of those other things done but also allows me to spend more time with our son while giving my wife a much needed break at the end of her day.

It is not a perfect system by any means but it is working fairly well thus far. It may be time to take a day off here and there to better prepare above and beyond our anticipated needs. Until then we will have to keep trying to become more and more efficient with these small trips.

Changing Things Around

I had both been looking forward to and dreading this past week for months because of the many long nights that were on my schedule. I knew that things would be different by this time of year with our son having arrived and while I wanted to get out and get back to my previous routine I was also dreading being away from our baby for so many nights in a row. This week was originally planned so that I would be at the lodge on Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday. At best I was expecting that I could miss Tuesday but that didn’t change the fact that I would be out late the other two nights.

This week just goes to show that sometimes you just have to trust the plan that has been laid out before us. With the first front moving in on Tuesday the first night of my week was quickly taken off the table. This was a change that I had contemplated previously so there wasn’t much of a difference on my end. On Wednesday night the schedule remained the same and I was at the lodge catching up with my brothers but, at this point, Thursday night, our state meeting night, was questionable at best. By the time I left for the lodge after work on Wednesday, the stated meeting had been postponed and my week opened up.

It was still hard to be away from my wife and son during the night but at least I was able to slowly get back into things rather than having multiple obligations taking me away from family throughout the week. However, knowing how much I missed them for those few extra hours out of the office makes me wonder how I am going to handle my annual business trip at the end of the month. I guess it is going to take some to get used to the idea and this new reality.

For now, I was only out late once this week and I will be out late once next week as well. Hopefully things will move as quickly as they are currently planned and that my son doesn’t wait up for me like he did on Wednesday. While I hate being away, even for a few extra hours at the end of the day, it is at least occasional and brings be back to a modified routine. It may not be perfectly measured at this point but I will continue measuring the different proportions and gauging where and when I need to remove some things from my schedule.

Avoiding Modern Art On The Asphalt

I remember the Salem days!

As the years have passes I have become less and less a fan of the morbid sugar filled celebration that fills this frigid evening. And, as I have said before, while I have a number of memories about this evening when growing up, I can’t recall ever anticipating this day with much fervor as many of the people around me. It was always more of an excuse to be out late at night and get a big bag of candy… given my size when growing up that carried much more weight than it should have. However, one thing I do remember is not being an idiot like many of the kids around me by running into the street despite the headlights.

Over the years, both in my maturation and my growing devotion to my faith (albeit in a variety of different ways), the minimal enthusiasm that I had for the day has dwindled to the point of complete indifference to the day. Honestly, the most that I have celebrated this day is in the words that I have written on this blog and looking up the history of the day on Wikipedia. For those of you who are also curious, here is a little bit of that listing:

Halloween or Hallowe'en, a contraction of "All Hallows' Evening", also known as Allhalloween, All Hallows' Eve, or All Saints' Eve, is a yearly celebration observed in a number of countries on 31 October, the eve of the Western Christian feast of All Hallows' Day. It initiates the triduum of Allhallowtide, the time in the liturgical year dedicated to remembering the dead, including saints (hallows), martyrs, and all the faithful departed believers. Within Allhallowtide, the traditional focus of All Hallows' Eve revolves around the theme of using "humor and ridicule to confront the power of death."

According to many scholars, All Hallows' Eve is a Christianized feast initially influenced by Celtic harvest festivals, with possible pagan roots, particularly the Gaelic Samhain. Other scholars maintain that it originated independently of Samhain and has solely Christian roots.

Typical festive Halloween activities include trick-or-treating (or the related "guising"), attending costume parties, decorating, carving pumpkins into jack-o'-lanterns, lighting bonfires, apple bobbing, visiting haunted house attractions, playing pranks, telling scary stories and watching horror films. In many parts of the world, the Christian religious observances of All Hallows' Eve, including attending church services and lighting candles on the graves of the dead, remain popular, although in other locations, these solemn customs are less pronounced in favor of a more commercialized and secularized celebration. Because many Western Christian denominations encourage, although most no longer require, abstinence from meat on All Hallows' Eve, the tradition of eating certain vegetarian foods for this vigil day developed, including the consumption of apples, colcannon, cider, potato pancakes, and soul cakes.

So, for those of you that enjoy this day (especially the night) have a blast. Just don’t dart out into the street without looking as I have already come too close to making modern art on the asphalt in recent years. As for me, I think I will wait for Purim to dress up and ask strangers for candy.

Finding The Strength

While I can’t disclose many of the details, yesterday was a horrible day. After hearing from one of my friends that he lost a grandson over the weekend, I thought the day was bad enough. I couldn't imagine such a loss. However, things seemed to drop off a cliff shortly after that when I got a call from someone in my own family. The news sounded bad and, what’s worse, we don’t really know all the details and don’t know what the future holds. With that said, let me be clear by letting you know that the baby is fine. A bit of a pain in the butt at times, but fine.

Again, I won’t get into the details, but the news really came as a shock to me and, more especially, my wife. It is a battle that the family has faced many times and now it seems as though we must keep fighting. We have seen it come into our lives in many guises and we know what it is capable of but that doesn’t mean that we are without hope. Thankfully we are all incredibly stubborn and we are ready to fight so there is a chance that the outcome will be better than expected. This has been beaten before and can be again.

Such is the balance, or should I say unbalance, of life. Just as things seem to be calming down and there is a little bit of breathing room to be found, something like this happens. While the pessimistic side of me is always preparing for something like this to happen (maybe that is why I am unable to fully relax most days) this is still shocking and leaves us feeling unprepared to deal with what lies on the horizon. These moments leave us to reassess our priorities and put the now unimportant things aside so that we can be in the present and do all that we can to get through today, tomorrow, and the next day.

At the same time, these moments bring back the memories that we have put to the backs of our minds. We remember the battles fought and we recall the strength of those people that we love. That might be why this post has taken so much time and energy to write. While moments like this are trying for everyone in the family, we will all come together with all the strength and love that we have and do whatever we can to help. Sometimes it may not be much but, in times like these, even those little things mean a lot when we put our hearts into them.

First Full Day Of Fall

It never got too hot this year and so the transition was not as noticeable as it has been in the past but today was the first full day of my favorite season. The weather is getting cooler (comfortable for me) and the leaves are slowly catching fire as the air becomes lighter and crisper as the pages of the calendar float into the past. It is a time of year when people seem to try and embrace the last semblance of warmth before shutting out the world hibernating in the warmth of their homes.

There is an openness to the fall that is more welcoming than the other seasons of the year when we tend to embrace the opportunities to be out and spend time with the people close to us. One would think that this is a characteristic of spring or summer but during those times we tend to want to get away leaving behind our homes and apartments. Those are the seasons of exploration, fall is the season to embrace what we have and enjoy the place where we live.

I have always enjoyed the fall as a time to begin a new year. I guess it was from all the years spent in school when I was able to start things all over again. Of course, as I have gotten older this seems to be right around the time of year when I would start a new job… at east all the ones where I have spent a reasonable amount of time. Now, it is time when the lull of summer comes to an end and the PR programs ramp up again in the final quarter of the year. Work is not the only place where the activity picks up as we are also back to our usual routine at the lodge as we work toward completing another successful year.

So, while some may look at spring in the same way, I see autumn as a time for new beginnings. At the same time, it is the season when we are all brought back together. It is a time of great comfort and a lot of activity. It is a busy season but also one that allows me to relax in the fact that I am never without something to do, somewhere to go, and people to be with. Fall is, by far, my favorite time of year for precisely those reasons.

The Pitch Black Creative Catalyst

It always seems that I am up late at night writing a blog. It’s not that I don’t try to get it done earlier it’s just a very simple fact that the ideas and the ability to construct these short essays don’t come to me until there is a slight heaviness in my eyes. I even have the word document open on my computer throughout the day, ready to go, but I rarely find myself actually typing anything. The same can be said for the blank sheets of paper that wind up being neglected as they are shuffled from one side of my desk to the other during the course of my regular working day.

Sometimes, like now, the night brings a wave of prose that forces me to either write well beyond the 400 word minimum I set at the beginning or I am jumping from one document to another recording two streams of thought nearly simultaneously to be posted on consecutive days. What you are reading now if the second of the two. It is an annoying all or nothing situation that I find myself in every day. It’s almost like my creativity is bipolar… it either shies away or I can’t get it to shut the heck up.

Of course it could be the fact that there is only so much creativity and focus that I can produce at one time and with my job requiring much of that focus and energy it proves difficult to syphon enough of the focus away to even jot down a few sentences or word combinations. And that is just for this blog… my other writing is solely a weekend endeavor and only when that too is not filled with the overflow from the week. Those projects require more than the focus of night, they require the vibrancy of the day.

For everything else… personal correspondences (yes, I still write actually letter on occasion), newsletters, emails, and blogs… the evening is still the time to let he ink flow and the fingers fly like a wounded hummingbird. In the end, there is something about the night that motivates me to write. The catalyst that is midnight, the urgency of the hour, and the desire to bring the day to a close are what I need to keep this blog going. It isn’t every night but it is more often than not an essential part of this less than creative process. And when I stop to think about it, it has pretty much been the same way throughout my writing life. Maybe not always this late but certainly after the sun has gone to sleep and the liveliness of the day is all but a memory.

Mail Day

It’s amazing how fast the mail can build up in the mailbox. Between junk mail, bills, and donation solicitations addressed to someone who has never lived in our apartment it makes you wonder how much money is being wasted everyday by some of these people, companies, and organizations. I’m also surprised at how much can be crammed into our little piece of real estate in the mail room.

The real problem with so much mail is not necessarily the volume, it’s the fact that I no longer look forward to the mail. Remember when you were a kid when it was something special to get a letter in the mail. It didn’t have to be anything particularly special it was just the fact that someone sent something to you because after all at that age you are the center of the universe. It was a time when you felt like you were getting your very own speedy delivery.

But now it is just a mass of wasted paper and pleas for money that I am not willing to hand out even if I had the money to give away. There is the occasional card or letter but that is quickly disappearing and morphing into the empty void that is email. Don’t get me wrong, I like email and I use it constantly throughout my day but sometimes you just need to take the time, sit at a desk, and pull out a pen. There is still something to be said for a signature on a white page.

I miss receiving letters from people. I miss having enough space on my desk to write letters to people. I have always enjoyed the act of writing. Not just the formation of thoughts on a page but the fine motor skills involved in the swift flowing motion of a fountain pen as you watch the lines slowly morph into letters, then words, and finally sentences until the thoughts are fully formed and the ideas are bouncing around the margins. Think about it, when is the last time you wrote a letter?

I like seeing the personality in the handwriting. This is something that is completely lost in the quick glance of a perfectly spaced email. And, in some instances, tone can be lost between the ink on the page and the words on the screen. It’s almost like an automatic cooling of the sentiment occurs as soon as technology is put into play.

I guess this is a long way of saying that I like getting a lot of mail as long as there is a personal touch to the correspondences I receive. Maybe the best way to start doing that would be to stop typing so much in my free time, break out the fountain pen, and stain the good paper currently being segregated in the closet. Who knows, maybe some of you will be getting a letter soon and some of you may even read it before shredding.

Day and Dusk Meditation

I have spent the last few days looking over all the pictures that I have taken over the summer. Some are pretty good and, overall, I am happy with the way they came out. Others not so much. Taking a second look this morning there were a couple of the photos that stood out from the rest. Not because they were anything special individually (the same can be said for all the photos I have taken) but because I happened to take the same photo twice without noticing it until now.

The first time I reached for my cell phone I was focused on the red rust of the beams and the angles of the wires as they stretched along the train tracks that run behind our apartment building. I always find angular patterned and geometric scenes interesting. It was early in the day and, as I recall, one of the few clear days we had in some time so I took the shot and I was pretty happy with how it came out. It was just one of those times when it was one spontaneous picture with my iPhone.

Months passed when I found myself in the same exact spot in the parking lot. Walking back from taking the garbage to the dumpster I happened to look up and see the rich colors saturating the sky. As usual, I had my phone on me so I pulled it out and tried to find the right angle where I could get as much of the cloud laced spectrum in frame. As it turns out, I am now looking back and I can see that I was in almost the same exact spot from when I took the first photo.

Making this discovery now instead of weeks or months ago, I have better appreciation of the play between the two photos. Perspective is everything in life. Sometimes you can see the big picture, the sky burning at dusk, while other times your focus is on the things that are much closer to you, things you can touch and understand like the structure that surrounds the SEPTA line. It is all a matter of perspective and time.

If you take the time to see not only what is in front of you but what awaits you just behind it allows you to be open to what G-d has in store for you and the beauty that the future brings beyond the confines of your immediate surroundings. Give it time and things will change for the better. Life isn’t always cold rusted steel in front of a cool pale blue. There is fire on the horizon that no matter how brief the colors may flow through the sky, it is a brilliant sight to behold and one that change your perspective for the following day. It is the fleeting, but also cyclical, beauty of this life and this world that elevates the sometimes monotonous tasks of our everyday lives. It is the daily gift that is waiting for us if we open our eyes and look to the horizon for hope.

“We” Is One Word Not Two Letters

Throughout our travels, no matter where we have gone, every place has had one thing in common... they are all a part of this great country which my family has called home from the very beginning of this nation's founding and has fought for the rights and freedoms for which our flag flies. Once I saw the flag hanging in front of the Asa Packer Mansion in Jim Thorpe I was struck by the reminder that there is more than just a grand structure looking over this small mountain town in the Poconos. And if we pay attention to the world around us we can easily see the tactile representation of our country’s founding ideals in the 13 stripes and 50 stars.

Independence Day is not a time of sales and pyrotechnics. Today is a time of pride for every person that has the privilege to call themselves an American. Regardless of our own political opinions and our feelings about whether the government has done something right or wrong, this is a time of unity under one flag that shines brighter than any spark in the sky.

This is a time to remember and honor the sacrifices made not only by those who have fought for and fought to defend liberty but also a time to honor those who chose to come to the United States and make this country their home. It is a time to remember our heritage both as individual families and a nation as a whole. This is a day to reflect on how we honor our ancestors in our own lives.

We must consider what this nation stands for and the rights that we have been granted by G-d and country. We must hold fast to ensure the rights and freedoms of every person during this time of great change in which we live. It is our duty and our responsibility to uphold the rights and freedoms of others regardless of whether we personally partake in those liberties. So long as we hold in our hearts the fact that rights are not optional we can keep the history, memory, and ideals of this nation’s founding alive and ensure that our nation will continue to thrive.

Let your neighbor know, let the world know, that we are one nation and our flag hangs ever-present not as a representation of the government but as a symbol of a united people. Today we are not two parties, we are one people. We are not a country of religious strife; we are one nation under G-d. We are Americans and we are proud of our history.