TMI Tuesday: 18 Months

A year and a half (and a day) later and we are still trying to get used to this new life. With all the changes that keep happening and all of the things swirling around in our life right now it is hard to keep track of time. Yesterday, I looked at the calendar and saw that eighteen months has already passed and it is hard to believe how different things are now compared to the life we were living before we became a family.

The day is still etched in my mind, sitting on the surface of memory like it just happened a few days ago. I can still feel my son’s rapid heartbeat as I held him for the first time in the operating room and his tiny pink hand as he gripped my finger for the first time. I can hear the beeping of the monitors faintly filling the background. I can see the words streaming through my phone bringing to the fore both the happy and despicable aspects of humanity. I can see the tears as they silently streamed down my wife’s face both in the joy of the morning and the pain of the evening. However, most importantly, I can see that moment, that first instant, when mother and son embraced one another and began this journey together.

I remember the anxiety and excitement as I pulled the car around to the front entrance, loaded the items that had been accumulating for the past several days into the trunk, and buckled my family into the car. It was a slow ride back to our townhouse and one during which I couldn’t help but think about all the people who would be at the house to greet him and the one that wouldn’t be there. It was a ride that moved us forward as a family but also one during which I wished I could hit eighty eight and drive to the past.

Time has moved so quickly since our son came into our life at 9:14 am and when I look at him it is hard to believe that he was once so small. He has already learned so much and he keeps surprising us every day with how much he knows and understands. Most importantly, even with some of the chaos that has swirled around us, we have protected our son and he remains as happy as ever. While I still enjoy the quiet moments, there is nothing better than coming home to the excited sounds from my son saying “Daddy!”

Making Our Last Words Count

Last Friday, for reasons that we cannot explain, my wife and I decided to tell one person, just one, the name that we had chosen for our son. My mother-in-law, having been diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer just before my wife's birthday in October, had not been well for some time was the only one that we wanted to tell. And while she didn’t give an acknowledgement of the news that we had shared, there is little doubt that she heard us.

Our son was the light of the day which was able to pierce the darkest of moments. Having joined the world at 9:14am we were quick to send a photo to family and friends to let us know of the joy that had just been bestowed upon us. Even my mother-in-law who had not been communicative for several days opened her eyes when she was told that a picture of her first grandchild was sent to her. For the first time in days she spoke a single word… wow!

Still in shock from the early arrival of our baby boy, my wife and I were slowly recovering from the day that had just transpired. With all visitors having left the maternity ward for the day we settled into our hospital beds and waited for our son to come back into the room for his next meal. It was at this point about 12 hours since our son entered the world that my wife made a request to the nurse… one that I am sure that they are not used to hearing.

It was a simple act but it was a moment that would immediately become part of family lore. My wife turned to the nurse and asked her to make our son cry while she had her mother’s caretaker on speakerphone next to her mom’s bed. The nurse didn’t question my wife and seconds later his cry was echoing in my mother-in-law’s great room. My wife followed by saying “I love you” and told the caretaker that she would call back in the morning. It was a call that she wouldn't have the opportunity to make. 

What we didn’t find out until later was that mere seconds after hearing the healthy cry of her grandson, my mother-in-law took her last breath. She held on just long enough, and our son arrived just early enough, that she was able to leave this world as a grandmother. The circle of life, in all its joy and pain, mystery and misery, beginning and ending was in full display. In a matter of half a day we were both overjoyed and heartbroken.

Since that moment, we have been experiencing the full range of emotions remembering both the good time and bad, the disagreements and the celebrations, the moments of happiness and sadness. I have been doing all that I can to try and comfort my wife knowing that there is no real comfort that can be given during this time. Only our son can bring solace and help to heal my wife’s heart and the knowledge that the last words that we both spoke to her were the most powerful and comforting things that we could ever say to her in her last moments in the physical world… our son’s name and “I love you”.

“Happy” Birthday!

Thought my wife would enjoy this one. 

When it comes to my birthday I look at it as simply turning another year older… actually you’re only turning a day older. However, I enjoy celebrating birthdays of family and friends. Today I was able to do just that as my wife’s birthday snuck up on the two of us.

While she has always had mixed emotions during her day, this year was particularly bipolar as there is a lot of things swirling around our life right now and a huge amount of uncertainty, nervousness, and trepidation concerning the future. However, there were moments today that transcended all the things around us and floating above our heads. Those are the moments that will forever make this birthday one to remember.

It all started with the simple transition from yesterday to today as I was able to turn to her and think about the fact that, unlike in our previous years together, she is not just a wife, she is a mother to be. While not being toted around in her arms, she is able to celebrate this birthday with our child. Having just marked 20 weeks, we know that while baby is still freeloading, it can hear the happiness and the celebration.

Of course, recent news has curbed the joy of the day but there were moments, however short they might have been, when we were all able to enjoy the present. There was a few times when that little wrinkle of worry would fade, eyes would brighten just a little, and we were all temporarily focusing on our present actions. Yesterday and tomorrow were fleetingly pushed out of our minds.

Reality is kind of funny that way. While there is that which is immediately around us, there is also that which transcends that place and time. In the moment, we were shopping for maternity clothes, trying on shoes, and enjoying a tasty (and very large) meal at Cheesecake Factory talking about all the changes that have happened over the past year, memories of previous birthdays, and looking forward to life with the new baby. But that was only part of the reality.

We were all thinking about the unpleasant things in life and the pending hardships to be faced. Throughout the day, my wife was stronger than I think I have ever seen her. And while it is not how anyone expects to spend a birthday, there were those moments that you can’t help but remember and smile. It was a good day and sometimes that is the best gift that can be given. So, with all that said, I want to devote the last words to my wife…

While I wish I could give you the gift of an alternate universe where your sadness doesn't exist, I hope that this day with its moments of happiness will suffice. I love you and I look forward to many more birthdays in the future (especially when I can help baby pick out a gift for you)! Stay strong and know that I am always here for you.