Wrong Tense

Our Atlanta airport adventure was one that was filled with some interesting characters. It all began during my slow crawl through security where, for a change of pace, the TSA officers repeatedly instructed us to keep our jackets, shoes, and belts on; keep electronics in our carryon bags, and only remove items from our pockets that would set off the metal detector (really that meant only removing cell phones, keys, and loose change. This was much easier than the usual process so I was ready to go in no time.

However, this wasn’t good enough for the woman in front of me who stubbornly refused to walk through the metal detector. First the excuse was that it was an invasion of her privacy. When that didn’t work she moved on to the ‘it causes cancer’ argument. When both of those failed to achieve her desired result, she mumbled countless complaints under her breath as she darted through the checkpoint like a cat caught in the rain. PITA’s like that shouldn’t fly.  

A little later during our time in airport limbo, having just been notified that our departure was delayed due to bad weather in the Philadelphia area, my colleague and I readjusted our luggage and hunkered down for an extended stay at the Atlanta airport. By this time, evening was beginning to creep over the horizon and everyone was eager to get on the plane and in the air. This was only exacerbated by the fact that we just witnessed the flight to Phoenix just complete the boarding and close the doors to the terminal. At least someone was going somewhere.

Needless to say the restlessness and slight boredom was slowly taking hold of the awaiting passengers. What we needed was a distraction. Something to occupy our minds until the decision to board was finally announced over the speakers. As if on cue, a flustered and disheveled woman walked quickly to the gate on the opposite end of the waiting room. We all knew where she was going but sometimes the greatest entertainment is in the reaction.

Someone missing there flight is nothing new but the uniqueness of the response is something that I have never witnessed firsthand before. You could tell by the mumbling, pacing, and anger that this was going to be good. With the situation building and the knocks on the gate door echoing across the terminal, we all shifted in our seats to get a better view as the drama unfolded. And you know what, unlike a lot of movies that clog the theaters, this performance didn’t disappoint.

As soon as we all turned, got ourselves comfortable, and began looking for the popcorn the woman slamming he fist on the door decided to change tactics. After a quick check out the window to make sure the plane was still at the gate, she returned to the desk near the door and instead of using her fist she decided to use her voice so she picked up the microphone and made an announcement over the load speakers… “US Airways personnel needed as Gate D23. A passenger is about to miss her flight!”

This ‘announcement’ was repeated, as if in an OCD loop, for about ten minutes. The one thing that kept running through my mind is that she might want to consider changing the tense in that statement because your butt isn’t getting on that plane. Her voice was a mix of both panic and pissed. You could tell that she desperately wanted to get on that plane but you could also sense that this wasn’t the first time she has found herself in this situation. Just when we thought the vain throbbing below her neck tattoo was about to burst, a woman opened the gate door and stepped behind the desk making sure that the door was closed securely behind her.

I give the US Airways employee credit because she managed to hold her ground while calming the incessant passenger. In what was an anticlimactic conclusion, the woman hovered above the computer screen while alternate arrangements were made. Before long, the matted haired woman stormed off and made her way to some other part of the terminal (either the new gate or the bar). And in a moment of perfect choreography, the announcement was made for passengers to begin boarding our flight home.

 

Family Travel And Events: Years Of Entertainment

There are times when I am astounded by the odd things that happen both at family events and the things that happen on the way to those events. Especially when there is flying involved. Even some of the simplest things that we usually don’t think twice about can have humorous aspects to them if you just take a closer look.

A prime example is the process of simply getting to the gate once you arrive at the airport. Next time you are there look at the confused look on people’s faces when they have to go to a counter to check in. Not the first time fliers, it is normal to see some awkwardness or uncertainty in those people who are unfamiliar with the process. I am talking about the frequent travelers, the ones you can tell fly all the time that, for some reason or another couldn’t get on the computer or the phone, can’t use the kiosk and, subsequently, have to actually deal with a person in order to get there ticket.

Further down the process, try to put yourself in the shoes of those at the security check point. I am certain that they see many things that people shouldn’t have on the plane. The usually things that they people just don’t think about. However, I know for certain that there are some odd things that go through the scanners and it makes me wonder what goes through their minds when they see a hunk of Swiss cheese and a dried sausage in a woman’s handbag at is runs across the x-ray. I think it’s safe to say that they made the sausage go back and forth a few times before shaking their heads and letting it out the other end.

The actual family events are, not surprisingly, sources of long lasting entertainment. Sometimes the things that happen at weddings can provide years, if not decades, of humor as well as a means to poke those relatives at future events. This is just one of the reasons why I don’t drink, or drink very little, at weddings and get-togethers. Otherwise, I wouldn’t be able to accurately remember people falling into fire pits, being doused by a citronella candle, bouncing off walls, beer can pyramids, and walking the wrong direction back to the cabin not realizing where they were when the sun shown above the horizon. These are just some of the more vivid memories that, in hindsight, provide for hours of entertainment and recollection decades after the fact. Sometimes all it takes is stepping back and paying attention.

Beware of Gumby

I want food not my picture taken!

Moseying around the resort on our final morning in Arizona it was a day like any other for everyone there (except the retired gaggle of ladies who arrived early in the morning for what I assume was a means to escape the bother of youngsters). The sun was out, the birds were hopping from tree to tree, and the horses didn’t seem to care what was going on they just wanted to see if I had any food for them. It was just a regular day when I would be heading back home.

Halloween has never really been a big deal to me. I remember growing up and going trick or treating but over the years it has become less and less of an event and, in some instances, more of a nuisance than anything. This year was the first time that I had ever traveled on this particular day and it was quite interesting to see the characters wandering about the airport in Phoenix.

Driving from Wickenburg to Phoenix there was really no sign of the day being different from any other day of the week or year. But when we pulled up to return the car you knew exactly what day it was and that this travel experience was going to be one that would be both interesting and slightly disturbing. Put it this way, the young guy that checked the car had a Batman sweatshirt on…. He would have been a spinning image if Batman fought crime by playing video games all day and never exercising.

As we walked up to the shuttle service to sit down and take care of a few last minute calls before the flight I noticed out of the corned of my eye a giant green mass frightening small children at the Enterprise check in counter… it was a giant Gumby which made me wonder what these kids are thinking as that character hasn’t been relevant for a good twenty years. Regardless, I couldn’t help the thought from passing through my mind, “I’m Gumby, damn it!”

As we headed to the terminal to complete our check in and make our way to our gate the only people who seemed to put any effort into what they were wearing were the TSA officers at the security check in. By the way, can we please standardize the security process at airports in this country? While the broad strokes remain the same the details are what hold up the line (i.e. belt/no belt, watch/no watch/ wallet/no wallet, etc.). I guess this is why it is recommended that you should get to the airport two hours days ahead of time.

Anyway, walking to the gate there were people heading off to all different locations with various accents and outfits indicative of the day. Some make you just wonder what they’re thinking while others make you wonder what they’re parents would think. Thankfully, when we got on the plane everyone around us was in their usual daily attire and by the time we landed we could see the rain and knew that the eclectic residue of the day had quickly washed away before our plane touched down. I guess Philly isn’t a Halloween hot spot.